It has recently come to the theatrical community's attention that the new Broadway Play, Lombardi, is expecting non-typical theatregoers to the point that their Frequently Asked Questions page included questions assuming that the theatregoers had the intellectual capacity of small children.  Before some of the more ridiculous ones were removed, Adam Feldman of Time Out New York was able to nab them to bring us such gems as:

What happens when I get to the theatre?
An usher will greet you, ask for your ticket, and show you to your assigned seat. Be sure to sit in the seat you are given so that you don’t cause confusion for other audience members.
The usher will also give you a printed program. Be sure to arrive early enough to read it, so you have an idea of what to expect during the show.

Well, folks, turns out there were a whole slew of questions that never even made it on the page in the first place!  But Broadway Abridged has them, because we have magical powers.  Here are the rejected Lombardi Frequently Asked Questions.

When the Curtain goes up, am I allowed to text?
That depends on how the producers are feeling this week.  Last week, maybe that was a no-no.  But this week, they may have run out of Advertising money, so in lieu of real publicity they may be inviting people to text during the play, and in fact encouraging it.  Be sure to go online to check what cheap-ass promotion is happening on the date that you're seeing your show!  And since this is invariably the first time you're in a theater, do take this texting habit with you to any future shows you go to!  Your fellow audience members will appreciate the small rectangular LCD shining in their faces.

Can I bring food into the theater?
A wonderful selection of candies and wine is available in our lobby during "halftime".  Laughing Out Loud!  Regular waits in the concession line can range up to 10 minutes.  This will give you a minimum of five minutes to quickly scarf down your entire box of Sour Patch Kids and your poorly-mixed Mojito, as you cannot then bring either of these to your seats.

When the Curtain goes down, am I expected to stand as I applaud?
A standing ovation is a special, rare thing that is only left for the most fantastic and amazing of shows or performances.  Do applaud for the work of the actors, but don't stand up unless you've experienced a--
Oh wait, you're not in London.  Yeah, stand up.  Because the guy in front of you is going to stand up, so you might as well get it over with.