110 IN THE BROTHEL
                            A "Broadway Abridged" Script
                                                           By Gil Varod 
                                                         and Megan Avery






            SCENE: MANY YEARS AGO.


                                   LYRICIST TOM JONES
            Remember when we wrote the Fantasticks?


                                   COMPOSER HARVEY SCHMIDT
            Yes.


                                   LYRICIST TOM JONES
            Remember when it had act one take place at night and act two
            take place in the day?


                                   COMPOSER HARVEY SCHMIDT
            Yes.


                                   LYRICIST TOM JONES
            Wanna do something really RADICAL?


                                        SARCASM-INFUSED TRANSITION TO...






            SCENE: ACT ONE, WHICH TAKES PLACE IN THE *DAY*.


                                   CHORUS
                          (singing)
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT
            IT'S HOT


                                   DIRECTOR LONNY PRICE
            Boy... I don't think they're going to understand that this is
            Texas, and that the temperature is really HOT.


                                   Enter a SUN that is as large as the
                                   REAL SUN.


                                   DIRECTOR LONNY PRICE
            Much better.  Sing, people!


                                   	CHORUS
            IT'S STILL HOT
            IT DIDN'T CHANGE
            IT'S STILL TOO WARM OUTSIDE
            SHAME THEY HAVEN'T INVENTED AIR CONDITIONING YET
            THIS MUSICAL...
            TAKES PLACE...
            BEFORE YOU WERE BORN!!!!!






            SCENE: CHEAP HOUSE FACADE


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            My daughter, AUDRA MCDONALD is coming!


                                   ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE 
                                   YOUNGER BROTHER
            Audra McDonald is coming!


                                   BROTHER #2
            Audra McDonald is coming!


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            This is no place for a four-time-Tony-winner!  We gotta clean
            up.


                                   They DO.


                                   They also sing about it.  La la la.


                                   It's been ten minutes and we still
                                   haven't seen a single sign of Audr--


                                   Wait there she is!  YAAY!


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            Oh my family, it's good to...


                                   Audra McDonald pauses.


                                   She realizes her "family" is three
                                   white guys.


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            Oh boy this is awkward.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Very.


                                   BROTHER #2
                          (White)
            Pa, I thought you said my sister's coming.  


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            Shut up, you.  Just for that, we're replacing you.


                                   BROTHER #2
                          (being dragged away by DIRECTOR
                           LONNY PRICE)
            What?  WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?


                                   BALDING AFRICAN 
                                   AMERICAN BROTHER
                          (replacing)
            Sorry about that, white father and white brother and African
            American sister.


                                   AUDIENCE
                          (seeing the two-black-two-white
                           family)
            Curious.  I suddenly feel at ease.






            SCENE: SHERRIF'S OFFICE.


                                   Enter JOHN CULLUM and his OREO BOYS.


                                   BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
            What can I do for you, JOHN CULLUM?


                                   JOHN CULLUM
                          (to YOUNGER BROTHER)
            Now go ahead, get your sister laid like I taught you.


                                   ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE 
                                   YOUNGER BROTHER
            Hey sheriff, want to go to out for a drink?


                                   BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
            No I don't want to screw your sister.


                                   ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE 
                                   YOUNGER BROTHER
            Wanna go play poker?


                                   BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
            No I don't want to screw your sister.


                                   ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE 
                                   YOUNGER BROTHER
            How about to a picnic?


                                   BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
            No I don't want to screw your sister.


                                   ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE 
                                   YOUNGER BROTHER
            Asshole.
                          (smacks Sheriff)


                                   BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
                          (smacks Younger Brother, who
                           has a black eye for like the
                           entire show)


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            Good idea.
                          (also smacks)


                                   ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE 
                                   YOUNGER BROTHER
            What was *that* one for?


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            Pre-emptive.  You're gonna break out into about seven too
            many cheesy cutesy songs during this musical.  I wanted to
            make you think twice before doing so.


                                   ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE 
                                   YOUNGER BROTHER
            Noted.


                                   JOHN CULLUM
                          (to Sheriff)
            So seriously, what can I do to get you in bed with my
            daughter today?






            SCENE: A PICNIC, BUT NOT THE ONE IN OKLAHOMA OR STATE FAIR OR
            PAJAMA GAME OR SHOWBOAT... CUZ THIS ONE INCLUDES A 
            *BIG FRICKIN' SUN*!


                                   WOMEN
                          (singing)
            GOTTA MAKE SURE THAT THE MEN HAVE FOOD
            OR ELSE THEY'LL BE IN A REAL BAD MOOD
            GOTTA MAKE SURE THAT THE MEN HAVE FOOD
            THEN WE'LL GIVE THEM BABIES!


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            Hello, my multi-cultural family!  


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            Hello, AUDRA MCDONALD!


                                   Audience cheers, `cause she's AUDRA
                                   MCDONALD!


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            Where's the Sheriff, who I may or may not be interested in?


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            Sorry, he ain't coming.  Don't worry.  I'll find someone else
            to take yer virginity.


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            WHAT?


                                   JOHN CULLUM
                          (takes off cowboy hat, 
                           puts on pimp hat)
            I love being a father.


                                   Enter third part of love triangle.


                                   MOCHA-LATTE
            Hi there!  I'm an unfortunately-named character who comes to
            town to turn it on its HEAD!  Like Harold Hill, but CRAPPIER!
            Now in case you forgot, there's a drought and it's HOT.
                          (to John Cullum)
            I can make it rain for a hundred dollars!


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            Yeah, not interested.
                          (slips a crisp Benjamin into
                           Mocha-Latte's trousers)


                                   MOCHA-LATTE
            What's this for?


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            Spending fifteen minutes secluded with my daughter.


                                   MOCHA-LATTE
            But I haven't spent fifteen minutes secluded with your
            daughter.


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            Not yet you haven't.
                          (does a really, really creepy
                           wink)






            SCENE: MORE OF THAT STUPID, STUPID GIANT SUN.


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            Papa, am I plain?


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            No.


                                   BALDING AFRICAN 
                                   AMERICAN BROTHER
                          (disagreeing)
            Yes.


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
                          (four-time-Tony-award crying)
            NOOOOOOOOO!


                                   BALDING AFRICAN 
                                   AMERICAN BROTHER
            Jesus, you're Audra McDonald.  All you gotta do is not put
            your hair in a bun like that.


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            Oh.






            SCENE: ACT TWO OF THE FANTASTICKS 110 IN THE SHADE, WHICH
            TAKES PLACE IN THE DAY NIGHT.


                                   DIRECTOR LONNY PRICE
                          (winking)
            But how do we KNOW it's night?


                                   He flips a switch and the lighting on
                                   the giant circle turns blue.


                                   DIRECTOR LONNY PRICE
            Yes, THAT'S how we know!  
            Oh yeah, oh yeah..
                          (does LONNY PRICE 
                           VICTORY DANCE)






            SCENE: THE WOODS, BUT NOT THE ONE IN "A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S
            DREAM" OR "INTO THE WOODS"... THIS ONE INCLUDES A *BIG
            FRICKIN' MOON*!


                                   CHORUS
                          (singing)
            WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
            WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
            WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
            WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
            WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
            WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
            WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
            WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
            WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
            WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
            WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT...


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            AND I'M NOT!


                                   JOHN CULLUM
                          (winking even more sketchily)
            Why don't you go give this blanket to Mocha-Latte, who's
            sleeping in the woods tonight?


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            Okay.


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            And also, you'll notice, the blanket is VERY comfortable.


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            Yeah.


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            Like, to sleep in.


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            Yeah.


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            With another man.  A man named after a beverage.


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            What?


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            While nude.






            SCENE: DEEPER IN THE WOODS.


                                   MOCHA-LATTE
            Audra McDonald, you're plain.


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
                          (lets hair down)


                                   MOCHA-LATTE
            Oh.






            SCENE: NAKED.


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
                          (smokin' a ciggy)
            You mean I've been going my entire life being a shrew, and
            that kept me from FUCKING?  Wow.  Fucking is GOOD!


                                   MOCHA-LATTE
            Oh Audra McDonald, I'm a fraud.  I keep going from town to
            town saying I can make it rain, and I can't.  But I'm tryin'
            ever so hard!


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            You're not a fraud, you're just trying to do something nice
            for people.  See, you're a sympathetic character after all!


                                   MOCHA-LATTE
            But I tell people I can make it rain, then take their money,
            then I run away and--


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            SYMPATHETIC CHARACTER.


                                   MOCHA-LATTE
                          (counting pile of money)
            As you wish.


                                   THE MONEY HE STOLE
                          (anthropomorphically)
            Yes, now since you've "redeemed" yourself by having naked
            time with the very attractive Audra McDonald, you'll redeem
            yourself even more by returning me to the people you scammed!


                                   MOCHA-LATTE
                          (shifty-eyes)
            Uh... Returning the money... Sure... I'm definitely going to--


                                   Enter BORING SHERIFF.


                                   BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
            Mocha-Latte, you're under arrest for being a con-artist!


                                   MOCHA-LATTE
                          (to Audra)
            Well, I guess I can't return this money because I have to RUN
            AWAY!


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            What?


                                   MOCHA-LATTE
            Run away WITH me!


                                   BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
            No, stay here and marry me!  I wouldn't fuck her before, but
            I just realized that when Audra McDonald takes down her hair,
            she looks GREAT!


                                   MOCHA-LATTE
            No, run away with me!


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            Oh Papa, who should I marry?


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            Why get married?  Why not sleep with both of them?


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            What?


                                   JOHN CULLUM
            The more I can get my daughter laid, the better.


                                   It begins to rain.  Perfect for...


                                   A GIANT BROADWAY MUSICAL ORGY!


                                   Thanks, Roundabout, for 
                                   another quality production!


                                        BLACKOUT.