THE 2012 TONY AWARDS:
ABRIDGED
A "Broadway Abridged" Recap
scene: the
beacon theater.
Enter that kid who was in that TV show with Racetrack Higgins
from the Newsies movie.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
I could probably just perform last year's number again and
that would drive you people wild, wouldn't it? How about I just perform a
new number but don't rehearse it? Will Patti Lupone mowing the lawn make
up for terrible timing?
patti lupone
Seriously, how awesome would it be for me to actually mow
your lawn?
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paul rudd
Would anybody laugh if I said I left my index cards in a corner deli? Anyone? No? Oh well, here are the nominees for Featured Actress in a Play, and the one with the most applause wins! Judith Light, and Linda Edmond, and Condola Rashad, and Spencer Kayden.
audience
(a little applause)
spencer kayden
(mouthing to camera)
i-love-you-so-much
PAUL RUDD
Uh yes Spencer, everybody loves me so much. And finally:
Celia Keenan-Bolger.
audience
(a whole truckload of applause)
paul rudd
And the winner is Judith Light! Sorry for lying about
the applause bit.
judith light
I SO CANNOT BELIEVE I WON THIS AWARD, ThAT I AM BANGING
THIS PODIUM INTO THE GROUND WITH MY FIST!
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nick jonas
I am the ambassador to kids night and... wow my voice is way less nasaly when I'm not singing!
Anyway, here's the cast of BACKFLIPS THE
MUSICAL singing "High Times, Hard Times".
Haha.
Just kidding, they're singing Sieze The God-Damn Day.
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announcer
While we weren't broadcasting live, the award for Best
Orchestrations and Best Book and Best Set went to someone. Why, did you CARE? Well leave the
caring to us, we're CBS!
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neil patrick harris
Guys--
(giggles)
Guys I put some movie names and musical names together like--
(giggles)
like a Wheel of Fortune "Before and After". I hope you find it as hysterical--
(giggles)
as hysterical as--
(giggles)
(giggles)
(gets into a giggle fit)
My I'm cute!
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michael mcgrath
Thank you for this award for "Nice Work If You Can Get
It". Who else did I want to thank? OH YES! I want to thank
Nathan Lane for letting me steal his persona. And for recording so many episodes of Timon And Puumba The Television
series, which allowed me to study all of his vocal nuances--
nathan lane
(grabs Tony)
Give me that!
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bernadette peters
A bittersweet look...
at the follies of youth...
as seen
through the eyes of age and experience...
Two couples...
remember their
glorious past...
and confront the rocky realities...
of their present...
shadows of their younger selves...
lies that ultimately...
lead
them...
...
Wow I'm boring myself.
Here's that overrated Sondheim musical that caused its composer to write cranky
letters to the Times hoping it would snag him a Best Revival Tony. Go to LA and see
Victoria Clark mop the floor with my role!
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NEIL PATRICK
HARRIS
When we return, Hugh Jackman! Of course does that mean
right after we return, or at some possible point way later in the evening, like
on your local news? Who kno--
Uh, Dude in the Lion King outfit, what are you doing?
guy in simba costume in audience
I live here.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
In the audience?
GUY IN SIMBA COSTUME IN AUDIENCe
Yeah, Cirque Du Soleil stole my home too.
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ANNOUNCER
And here is, uh, another new musical. Ghost. Like
the Whoopie Goldberg movie. No I did not make this up.
ghost girl
OH
MY LOVE
MY DARLING
IT'S WEIRD TO SEE ME BREAK
OUT IN-
TO THIS SONG.
ghost guy #1
I am dead, you can tell cause my lighting is blue! AND I AM SINGING
REALLY LOUD!
ghost guy #2
I keep walking across the stage and apologizing! Maybe
walking across the stage is what killed the dead guy?
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Yeah, so please buy a ticket to see Ghost, if you have any
idea what was happening onstage there.
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director of once
I am actually Irish!
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ben vereen
And now let's hear a selection from Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd
Webber's JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR.
Notice I said Tim Rice first because I
respect lyricists, even ones who put verse stress on "B" instead of "C" in the
phrase "4 B.C."
Tonight we're going to just have the cast do a concert version in front of
projections--
(producer whispers in his ear)
What do you mean that's how the actual production is done?
jesus projection
It's important to set our Jesus apart from all the other
Jesus musicals. Our Jesus looks like a Harry Potter moving newspaper!
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NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
I am doing a funny upside-down Spider-man bit!
camera man
OK, I'll over-zoom in to make sure you're almost totally out
of frame for most of it.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
I assumed you were going to keep sweeping in and out over and
over again like you do for every musical number. So: improvement!
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jessica chastain
Everybody! I'm a girl, which means I have boobs!
I thought you should know! Now here's an award for Christian Borle as an
apology for SMASH.
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matthew morrison
When the cast of GLEE leaves, I won't be able to afford
razors so I figured I'd start not-shaving right now. Here's a bunch
of too-short scenes from NICE WORK!
kelli o'hara
I sure hope if I sing while holding a gun for 4 seconds and
you don't have a setup, it will earn me a cheap laugh as opposed to being
totally lost!
matthew broderick
Kelli! Kelli! The producers found a song that
makes me look the least possibly bad! The rest of the cast does the
dancing and acting around me!
KELLI O'HARA
But you still have to sing without looking mildly retarded.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Dang, I knew I was forgetting something.
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best supporting actress judy kaye
I have an acceptance speech joke! How nice of me to
prepare.
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peter and the starcatcher
LET'S DO A DRAG SONG AND THEN THE END OF THE PLAY!
That'll make the most sense, way more sense than any scenes that set up the play.
No
wait let's sing about being on the Tonys! Then people will definitely
know what our play is about.
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NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
I'm going to sing a few dozen songs in one medley--pay
attention to how I'd be a better Evita than Elena Rogers!
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frank wildhorn
I think there's been a mistake. Somebody let me into a
Tony Awards Audience! Hey has anybody done a musical of THE WOLF MAN yet?
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alan menken
Thank you for my first Tony! Should I be proud of getting the first RGOT?
jack feldman
Razzie-Grammy-Oscar-Tony?
ALAN MENKEN
I don't even know how to pronounce RGOT. Ar-got?
R'got?
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josh groban
I'm introducing Once instead of Glen Hansard and Marketa
Irglova, who couldn't be here today--
...I'm now being told they are in the audience.
Anyway in order to not do the cliche choice of "Falling Slowly", they're going to go with
the equally riveting "When Your Mind's Made Up"--
...I'm now being told they are doing the one song that sounds like elevator
music.
WHY DO YOU PEOPLE WASTE JOSH GROBAN'S TIME SO?
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israeli girl from NCIS
Isn't it obvious why I'm onstage? It's time for Evita!
elena rogers
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!
ricky martin
Thank God that's the only line you'll be singing
tonight. Now silently pace the stage while I "act", by which I mean gesturing with this one hand over and over again.
ISRAELI GIRL FROM NCIS
Guys this is being followed by a Les Mis movie preview.
You are actually going to make the Les Mis
movie look like hollywood gold by comparison.
patti lapone and mandy patInkin
Also? We're also going to sing some Evita in a few minutes to
clarify just how much better we were. Which means someone on the Evita team must have pissed off somebody at the Tonys, otherwise that's just cruel.
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ANNOUNCER
And now here is the cast of Hair doing "Day By Day".
Wait, what?
paul rudd
Haha I stole your index cards too!
announcer
So long as you keep your promise to never allow Judd Apatow to bring in a Knocked
Up musical, you can do whatever you want.
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producers of porgy and bess
We just want to remind Stephen Sondheim that his cranky
letters only matter when they're supporting SHOWS THAT HAVEN'T ALREADY
CLOSED. Welcome to reality.
And now: Harvard Harvard
Harvard Harvard Harvard Harvard Harvard Harvard Harvard Harvard Harvard Harvard
Harvard Harvard Harvard--
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cruiseline tracy turnblatt
Come on a cruise and see Hairspray, a musical about a 40ish-year-old woman who isn't overweight! Also, sell your stock in Royal Carribean quickly.
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actors equity
It's a good thing we have received this Tony Award. Now the amount of respect we get will clearly be different, thanks to the Tonys, those arbiters of respect and taste.
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hugh jackman's wife?
In previous Tony Award shows Hugh Jackman has vaguely pointed
towards the audience and said "There's my lovely wife". This year, I've
come out wearing this dead bird to say "Hi, I'm Hugh Jackman's Wife", to keep
the yearly tradition of overselling how
straight he is.
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candace bergen
Who has five Emmys and looks like they just saw a
ghost? THIS GAL!
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raul esparza
Leap of Faith is the story of a musical that looked way, way
better on the Tonys than it was. But don't worry if you are accidentally
tricked by the performance-to-show mismatch: it is no longer open.
You
are welcome.
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Announcer
While you were at commercial, Nina Arianda and Audra McDonald
won. And you didn't get to watch it. HOW DOES THAT FEEL, HUH?
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south park guys
Avenue Q vs Wicked.
Urinetown vs Millie.
Sunday
vs La Cage.
Some years the better shows win. Some years the
community votes for whichever one will be better for touring dollars, and
everybody kind of shrugs and accepts this like it isn't a seriously fucked up
measure of quality.
This year's reason why Once wins over Newsies is...
(open envelope)
Newsies will sell well enough with the Disney Brand!
Congrats to the creators of Once for going up against the
already-lucrative-enough Disney brand.
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NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
You guys realize that after another year or so How I Met Your
Mother will be over and I'll be doing actual Broadway shows, right?
broadway community
Yaay!
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Which means I'll have no time to host these things anymore.
BROADWAY COMMUNITY
Who on earth is going to host in your place?
HUGH JACKMAn
Guys... I'm right here... no more Wolverine movies...
BROADWAY COMMUNITY
We once thought you were the cream of hosting?
NPH gets cast as Elder Price in the
Book of Mormon movie, and every other dream casting we ever put him in forever and ever.
blackout.