You know what they say: you *can* take it with you.
Just please don't return it; we don't want any.
Just please don't return it; we don't want any.
THE ADDAMS FAMILY ABRIDGED
OR
LA CAGE AUX FALSE
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: THE LUNT-FONTANNE THEATRE, WHERE OVERBLOWN MUSICALS
"THE LITTLE MERMAID" AND "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" CROAKED.
We are treated to an overture that
sounds like Disney orchestrated a
bastardized Addams Familyesque tune and
had them focus-group tested by
tourists.
ORCHESTRA
Dun dun dun dun.
AUDIENCE
Snap! Snap!
ORCHESTRA
Dun dun dun dun.
AUDIENCE
Snap! Snap!
ORCHESTRA
Dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun.
Dun dun dun dun.
AUDIENCE
Snap! Snap!
NATHAN LANE
Good, I hopp you've gutten that "tunefulness" thing out of
yoor seestem.
I'm Nathan Lane as "Nathan Lane as Gomez Addams", and--
BEBE NEUWIRTH
Nathan! Nathan!
NATHAN LANE
Yis, what eez it honeeey?
BEBE NEUWIRTH
It's our Daught--
Is that really the accent you're going to use?
NATHAN LANE
Yiiiiisss.
BEBE NEUWIRTH
Fine then.
It's our daughter Wednesday, what are we going to do?
NATHAN LANE
What's happent?
BEBE NEUWIRTH
She watched "The Birdcage" too many time, and wants to act
out the plot!
NATHAN LANE
Baht the plot to that centerrrs arount looooove!
BEBE NEUWIRTH
Which isn't what an Addams Family musical should be about!
Oy vey!
NATHAN LANE
Donttt say Oy Vey pleez.
BEBE NEUWIRTH
It's in the script for some reason.
NATHAN LANE
Ignore it, I doo.
Pirhapps Wednesday's growing ahp and
(stage whispers)
sheee'll be Thurssssday before you knoh it!
BEBE NEUWIRTH
My that's a terrible joke. How did you actually milk that to
be sort of funny?
NATHAN LANE
I whispered the punchline self-defeatingly.
Yoo should tri it.
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
(entering)
Oh no these flowers are dead and they should be beautiful
because I fell in love the way a normal person falls in love
and not, say, in the weird demented way that Christina Ricci
fell love in the films.
NATHAN LANE
Goh ahid.
BEBE NEUWIRTH
What's the matter?
(whispered)
You're happy.
(to Nathan)
How was that?
NATHAN LANE
Um... You have a nice cleavage?
BEBE NEUWIRTH
What does that mean?
NATHAN LANE
It means, what a sad, sad waste of Bebe Neuwirth.
SCENE: ENTER HORTON THE ELEPHANT.
KEVIN CHAMBERLIN
I'm once-in-awhile-narrator Uncle Fester, and I can make a
lightbulb light up in my mouth.
(does so)
AUDIENCE
(applauds on cue)
KEVIN CHAMBERLIN
And for some reason I'm also really into the importance of
love and Wednesday falling in love? Sounds like something
the bookwriters threw me into at the last minute because the
audience was having difficulty focusing on the plot.
BOOKWRITERS MARSHALL
BRICKMAN AND RICK ELICE
We decided to put aside the television shows and movies and
base the musical on the original comics!
KEVIN CHAMBERLIN
Whatever. The point is--get this excuse for a chorus--
until "LOVE IS SOLVED", this chorus of dead ghosts are doomed
to wander the earth singing Andrew Lippa songs.
CHORUS OF DEAD GHOSTS
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Theeeyyyrreee nnnoootttt
eeevvvveeeennnnn ddddarrrrkkkk iiiinnnnn ttttoooonnne!!!!
DEAD GHOST DRESSED LIKE DON
QUIXOTE TO REMIND YOU THAT
MUSICALS CAN ACTUALLY GET
BETTER THAN THIS
What a sad, sad waste of Kevin Chamberlin!
CUE OBLIGATORY THRILLER
CHOREOGRAPHY AND WE'RE AT...
SCENE: KNOW THAT ONE FAMOUS STRIP WHERE WEDNESDAY IS
TORTURING PUGSLEY ON A RACK? HAVEN'T YOU ALWAYS WANTED
SOMEBODY TO PORTRAY THAT SCENE THROUGH *SONG*?!?
CUBBY BERNSTEIN
Go ahead, Wednesday, "pull" my limbs on these chains...
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
...while I stop the plot with a specialty song about how
being in love is "pulling" me in a new direction!
SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA
(proudly)
Ha!
CUBBY BERNSTEIN
Wouldn't it be funny if my limbs got pulled and stretched
like silly putty? Ah well.
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
(singing)
MOTHER ALWAYS SAID BE KIND TO STRANGERS,
BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW--
Wait, Mother said to be kind to strangers?
Morticia Addams said this? Of the Addams Family?
BOOKWRITERS MARSHALL
BRICKMAN AND RICK ELICE
We decided to put aside the television shows and movies and--
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
Pretend that Morticia Addams is Donna Reed?
BOOKWRITERS MARSHALL
BRICKMAN AND RICK ELICE
--base the musical on the original... uh...
Okay we admit it, we just didn't want to do the research of
watching the old TV series to find out what people actually
*like* about the Addams Family.
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
What a sad, sad waste of not-that-fat Cubby Bernstein.
SCENE: NATHAN LANE AND BEBE NEUWIRTH SING A SONG CALLED
"WHERE DID WE GO WRONG".
BEBE NEUWIRTH
(real lyrics)
ARE WE GOOD PARENTS?
NATHAN LANE
(real lyrics)
ARE WE CLICHE?
BEBE NEUWIRTH
WOULD THE ADDAMSES REALLY ASK QUESTIONS LIKE THIS?
NATHAN LANE
DIDN'T I ALREADY SING THIS SONG IN THE PRODUCERS?
BEBE NEUWIRTH
What a sad, sad waste of Musicans Local 802.
SCENE: EVERYBODY PREPARES FOR WEDNESDAY ADDAMS' BOYFRIEND'S
PARENTS TO ARRIVE.
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
Please everybody, tonight, I just need the Addams Family to
act like a normal, not-strange, not-too-unusual family.
NATHAN LANE
Thas eeee-zee.
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
Huh?
BEBE NEUWIRTH
Because that's what we have been doing all night!
(hands Wednesday the script)
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
(scanning it over)
What a sad, sad waste of trees.
SCENE: WEDNESDAY'S BOYFRIEND'S FAMILY HAS ARRIVED...
...and they are being portrayed by the
German Guy from Rock of Ages, Lucille
from Parade, and the original Broadway
Rum Tum Tugger!
This couldn't *possibly* fail!
CAROLEE CARMELLO
The person I play likes to rhyme,
It's my only characterization all the time.
My poems are always all about love,
Cause that's the theme we're forcing down your throat! ...of!
NATHAN LANE
Who wants to hear jokes about Jews from Florida?
Couldn't... *possibly*...
TERRENCE MANN
(actual line from the musical)
What is this, some kind of theme park?
AUDIENCE
(actual line from the brain)
What is this, some kind of theme park?
STODGY SCENE: THE WOMEN TALK.
BEBE NEUWIRTH
Wouldn't it be funny if my dark, depressing outlook on life
scared the crap out of you?
CAROLEE CARMELLO
Yes!
BEBE NEUWIRTH
Well forget that. Who wants to hear jokes about healthcare?
CAROLEE CARMELLO
What a waste of jokes about healtchare.
STODGY SCENE: THE MEN TALK.
NATHAN LANE
I liiik yoo.
TERRENCE MANN
Why?
NATHAN LANE
Beecuz yor Ohio Accent sounds teeeerrible.
TERRENCE MANN
So?
NATHAN LANE
Weeth my Spanish accent, ayy kehn relaytttt.
TERRENCE MANN
THAT ACCENT IS SPANISH?
STODGY SCENE: THE KIDS TALK.
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
Wouldn't it be funny if Wednesday Addams fell in love, and we
got to see what strange, strange kind of relationship an
Addams family teenager would have?
GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES
Yes!
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
I agree! Oh well.
GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES
Wednesday, we need to tell your parents who just met me that
we have decided to take up the timeworn cliche of running off
and getting married without permission.
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
No we can't yes we can no we can't yes we can no we can't.
Yes we can.
GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES
Glad you worked that out. Creating dramatic tension in
musicals is HARD!
CUBBY BERNSTEIN
What will I do?
(sings about this for a bit)
JACKIE HOFFMAN
Holy crap, how are you singing with your mouth closed?
CUBBY BERNSTEIN
I'm singing entirely out of my nose.
JACKIE HOFFMAN
WELL YES WE HEAR THAT.
CUBBY BERNSTEIN
Jackie Hoffman As Grandmama, I was wondering if you had a
potion so my sister won't be in love with the Rock of Ages
guy anymore.
JACKIE HOFFMAN
Yeah, but don't mix it up and accidentally give the potion to
somebody else like in Hamlet.
CUBBY BERNSTEIN
(line written with an
exclamation mark, but only
acted with a period)
I don't understand your references!
JACKIE HOFFMAN
Is it because you're texting all the time?
CUBBY BERNSTEIN
No, because I'm playing Pugsley Addams, and the references
are incongruous to a musical like this.
JACKIE HOFFMAN
What a sad, sad waste of Jackie Hoffman.
THAT'S ME.
Does anybody mind if we skip to the end
of the first act?
Oh good.
SCENE: DINNER.
NATHAN LANE
Andrew Lippa has a leftover tune he wrote from a musical
about circuses, and somehow was permitted to shove it into an
Addams Family musical.
JACKIE HOFFMAN
Wouldn't it be funny if the Addamses served strange foods at
a dinner party that the Ohio-ans were creeped out by?
CAROLEE CARMELLO
Yes it would!
JACKIE HOFFMAN
Ah, dreams and wishes and dreams.
BEBE NEUWIRTH
So here's what happens now: we light the Shabbat candles, we
say the blessing over the Challah, everybody drinks from a
Shabbat wine goblet, then tells a secret.
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
Let's not do this with guests here please?
NATHAN LANE
But it's a tradition. We as a family have done it every
night at dinner forever. Over 10,000 times now. Me first...
Uh...
I have a weird bunion on my foot. Next!
BEBE NEUWIRTH
The other morning I used some eggs beyond their expir--
NATHAN LANE
No you used that one *last* night.
BEBE NEUWIRTH
Oh right. Um... I forgot deodorant today? Next!
JACKIE HOFFMAN
I'm reusing some ad-libs leftover from Xanadu. Next!
CUBBY BERNSTEIN
I put some plot item into the beverage that Carolee Carmello
drank and it didn't actually make a particularly notable
difference in the plot. Next!
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
I'm looking forward to the intermission because we get to go
fifteen minutes without hearing Andrew Lippa songs.
NATHAN LANE
Oooh that's the best one. You win.
SCENE: INTERMISSION.
YOU
Hah. That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be!
ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY
You haven't met me yet.
YOU
So?
ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY
So how far along in the plot of La Cage are we right now?
YOU
We're a mere fifteen minutes away from the end of the
plot of La Cage.
ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY
And how long do we have left in Addams Family?
YOU
About seventy, seventy-five min...
ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY
(grins)
YOU
Touche, Act Two. Touche.
SCENE: BEBE NEUWERTH'S BIG 9:45 NUMBER.
BEBE NEUWIRTH
Wouldn't it be funny if I had a song to sing about the wonder
and fantastic-ness that is death?
SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA
It would?
BEBE NEUWIRTH
If David Yazbek or William Finn wrote it it would.
Still, I don't want to sing the number about growing old that
I had in Chicago. Write me something new.
SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA
Here you go.
BEBE NEUWIRTH
(reading over sheet music)
Wow. I'm impressed.
SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA
You like it, Ms. Neuwirth?
BEBE NEUWIRTH
Hah. No, I just can't believe that you wrote another song
that has different lyrics, different notes, and yet is
exactly as crappy and forgettable and unfunny as the one we
removed. Not even Nathan Lane could save it.
SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA
But... they say I'm the next Stephen Sondheim.
BEBE NEUWIRTH
Let's settle this once and for all, Andrew.
Who is this "they"?
SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA
...people fifteen years ago?
BEBE NEUWIRTH
Yeah, that's right.
SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA
Um... what a sad, sad waste of Andrew Lippa..........?
BEBE NEUWIRTH
No. No Andrew.
SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA
(sulks)
BEBE NEUWIRTH
WILL NO ONE IN THIS SHOW GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO?
SCENE: FESTER SINGS ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH THE MOON.
Fucking A, where the hell did this idea
come from?
Oh. This.
SCENE: THE ADDAMS FAMILY LIVES IN CENTRAL PARK?
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
I'm leaving, Daddy.
NATHAN LANE
What?
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
I love the German Guy from Rock of Ages, and I can't figure
out if he and I are NYU and/or Columbia students or what.
But we're running away, either together or apart or something.
NATHAN LANE
OH RIGHT THAT WAS THE MAIN PLOTLINE! I totally forgot!
The boy now enters, for plot
convenience reasons. They sing
rejected melodies from Wicked.
GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES
Wednesday, how can I prove to you that I love you enough to
run away with you without actually running away?
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
Let me shoot an apple off of your head with a crossbow?
GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES
Really? Will that actually tie up whatever's left of this
"loose plotline"?
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
Yes. Somehow, yes.
GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES
What a sad, sad waste of prop apples.
SCENE: HAVE WE MENTIONED THE SAD WASTE OF NATHAN LANE YET?
BY THE WAY WHERE IS HIS ONE-MAN SHOW ALREADY?
NATHAN LANE
Bebe Neuwirth, would a tango cheer you up?
BEBE NEUWIRTH
No. Only one thing would cheer me up.
NATHAN LANE
I can't invent a time machine to go back and unsign our
Addams Family The Musical contracts.
BEBE NEUWIRTH
(sighs loudly)
Then it is hopeless.
SCENE: NATHAN LANE, JACKIE HOFFMAN, AND KEVIN CHAMBERLIN
NOW HAVE TO SING A SONG ABOUT LOVE, IN AN ADDAMS FAMILY
MUSICAL THAT YOU HAVE TO WATCH.
JACKIE HOFFMAN
(making more damn pop-culture references
instead of, oh maybe ADDAMS FAMILY JOKES?)
Did you know that in 1969 at Woodstock, I gave John Lennon
the idea for "All You Need Is Love"?
NATHAN LANE
I have a copy of the Wikipedia article right here and it says
the song was broadcast in June of 1967.
JACKIE HOFFMAN
Oh... uh... look, it's the original Broadway Javert singing a
song about squid rape that somehow managed to not be funny!
(runs off)
SCENE: THE ENDING.
CAROLEE CARMELLO
Ah, now we're in love more somehow!
TERRENCE MANN
Because of me being raped by a squid! Obviously that's the
reason!
BEBE NEUWIRTH
(massaging Nathan Lane's back)
Also we are in love.
NATHAN LANE
Thank you, Bebe. Shows can be heavy!
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
Also we're in love.
GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES
Yep. In love.
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
Yep....
Boring, boring silence.
NATHAN LANE
That reminds me. Has anybody heard of the term "Silent Bob
moment"?
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
What's that?
NATHAN LANE
It's where the character who doesn't speak finally speaks at
the end of the dramatic work, and his line is funny. Wanna
try that, Lurch?
LURCH
(sings lines in a key too low
for lyrics to be understood
or laughed at)
NATHAN LANE
Well, I guess we can actually learn something from Young
Frankenstein The Musical!
BEBE NEUWIRTH
What a sad waste of Zachary James.
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
...?
BEBE NEUWIRTH
He plays Lurch.
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD
Got it.
NATHAN LANE
Also a sad waste of a Silent Bob moment!
GHOSTS
Fester, can we go back to our graves now?
KEVIN CHAMBERLIN
Oh right, you guys. Why did we hire a chorus?
GHOSTS
(shrug)
NATHAN LANE
Fester are you going to close the show?
KEVIN CHAMBERLIN
Right right right, I'm the narrator. And so, everybody lived
unhappily ever after.
TERRENCE MANN
Because it's an Addams Family musical?
KEVIN CHAMBERLIN
No, because now that this happened, the rights to write an
Addams Family Musical will never become available.
ENTIRE CAST
(singing)
WHICH MEANS NOBODY WILL EVER WRITE
A GOOD ADDAMS FAMILY MUSICAL
EVER!
Screech.
NATHAN LANE
My god, what was that sound?
SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA
Sorry. Must've been a song I wrote.
BLACKOUT.
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