EVERYDAY RAPTURE ABRIDGED
OR
LIPS APART, TEETH TOGETHER
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: A BARE, MEGAN MULLALLY-LESS STAGE
Enter Sherie Rene Scott, making jokes
about Rabbis for some reason.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Hi audience! If you're here, that means that you're either a
VERY CONFUSED Roundabout Theater subscriber, or a BIG FAN of
mine from having seen me play leads in Disney's SECOND and
THIRD worst Broadway Musicals.
(Because not even *I* was willing to touch that Tarzan
thing.)
So yeah, big...ish Broadway star. But I wasn't always
married to BROADWAY CAST RECORDING PRODUCER KURT DEUTSCH.
No, before hiring me as performer came with the GUARANTEE of
having-your-show's-cast-album-recorded, I had to make it in
the real world, as a half Amish.
AUDIENCE
You're... you're just telling us another "small town girl
heads off to the big city" story, aren't you.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
And I'm doing 95% of it in patent-pending SHERIE RENE SCOTT
DEADPANâ„¢.
AUDIENCE
I'm in!
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
So in childhood I was conflicted over my love for Jesus, a
subject about which I'm sure I'm the VERY FIRST ONE to ever
explore in a one-woman show.
I also loved Judy Garland, which I am also SURELY the first
person to explore in a one-woman show.
And I think I also had a cousin or gay uncle or something,
but let's be so under-stating about it that it's vague, k?
The point is, ALL JESUS LOVERS HATE GAY PEOPLE AND PROTEST
AGAINST THEM with horrible words, which is a very wrong
thing, and also something about which I'm sure I'm the VERY
FIRST PERSON to explore in a one-person show.
AUDIENCE
ah yes. inspiring.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Now I'm going to sing a Mr. Rogers song now I'm going to sing
another NOW I'M GOING TO SING ANOTHER!
THE GHOST OF FRED ROGERS
Hey there Sherie. Do you know what *special* is?
When you sing one of my songs, it's *special*.
When you sing five of my songs in a row, song number 5 is...
say, less special.
You're the only one like you, Sherie, and you're special!
Unless you drive my songs into the ground. Then not so much.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
I decided I had to go to New York, and while there I...
AUDIENCE
Starred in Last Five Years!
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Dated a magician.
(does magic she bought off The
Internet)
I dated a magician, that's why I'm doing magic, get it?
(does more magic)
See? Magic. MAGIC!
(etc)
Then, while dating this NYC magician, I...
AUDIENCE
Was in Rent and Dirty Rott--
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
(awkwardly)
...had an abortion quick let's not talk about it too much see
how I do drama quickly in SHERIE RENE SCOTT DEADPANâ„¢.
So I moved to NYC and now I'm on Broadway.
Oh who wants to hear about some kid who was my biggest fan
once I got on Broadway?
AUDIENCE
Your life story bit ends and you haven't even gone on an
audition yet?
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
I promise sing one of my signature songs...
AUDIENCE
It better be a Jason Robert Br--
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Check this out. I'll do the actual singing while he lip
syncs to me.
THE GAYEST THIRTEEN YEAR OLD
IN THE WORLD
(lip-syncs to that one god
damned Aida song)
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Hysterical, right? Since this sketch is so funny, let's
spend a third of the show on it!
AUDIENCE
Yes, comedy is always better when less concise!
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
And now that you've finally heard me sing a song that I
originated, it's the perfect time for me to sing...
AUDIENCE
A friggin' number from Last Five Years?
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
..."Killing Me Softly", which I've somehow forced into being
all about the YouTube boy.
AUDIENCE
Whatever *your* job is in these guessing games, you suck at
it.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Oh! Did I mention I have a spouse and kid now? I guess that
wasn't important. Anyway,
my PRODUCER HUSBAND WHO PRODUCED THIS SHOW was with me and my
SON, and he found a four leaf clover this one time.
And while I was desperately searching for any way to end this
show and eventually segue-ing into "It's a Beautiful Day In
The Neighborhood" I realized...
EVERYDAY is finding a 4 leaf clover, and losing it and
finding it again, and the 4 leaf clover represents... luck?
Wait was that it?
Audience waits an additional 18 months
for until Sherie Rene Scott returns to
Broadway, this time with material
actually worthy of her talent.
Unless the 2011 musicals are like the
2010 musicals.
Then it's 30 months.
BLACKOUT.