TOURETTE'S THE MUSICAL:
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T THINK IT COULD HAPPEN
An "In My Life" Abridged Script
By Gil Varod and
Robert J. Saferstein
SCENE: PROLOGUE
YOUR PLAYBILL
WATCH HILL PRODUCTIONS (Producer):
The Principal of Watch Hill Productions has invested in such
Broadway shows as "Guys and Dolls", "The Who's Tommy", "The
Music Man", "Annie Get Your Gun" and "Chicago".
TRANSLATION
PRODUCER OF GUYS AND DOLLS: "Whatever happened to that guy
who used to silkscreen shirts for Broadway shows? You know,
Watch Hill Productions?"
PRODUCER OF TOMMY: "You mean that guy from
http://www.allscreenonline.com ?"
YOUR PLAYBILL
"In My Life" is Watch Hill Productions' first project as a
producer.
TRANSLATION
Holy shit, somebody gave me lotsa money to play with!
YOUR PLAYBILL
Its principal was inspired to support this musical when he
heard the most original and memorable score that has come to
Broadway in decades.
TRANSLATION
Holy shit! Somebody gave money to a deaf guy!
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Hey, I find that offensive. Making fun of deaf people and
all.
TRANSLATION
How about making fun of drunk-drivers and people with
Tourette's Syndrome?
AUDIENCE MEMBER
...
YOUR PLAYBILL
When life gives you lemons, make a Broadway musical!... that
tastes like lemons!
SCENE: A NEW JERSEY DINER IN MANHATTAN.
Projectors turn on to show that WE'RE
MAYBE IN MANHATTAN and that THE SET
DESIGNER WAS LAZY.
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
(to guy sitting eating
sandwich)
Oh my god, is it you? Is it really you? The guy who I heard
sing that song that I FELL IN LOVE WITH from the radio from
that college station that is my favorite station to listen to
when I'm ALL ALONE at home on Saturday nights painting the
cat orange and purple while dipping my toes in--
(squeals)
Oh my god! That guitar! And the hair! It must be you! You
look EXACTLY how you sound! I'm so glad I went over to that
radio station to ask the DJ where I would find you, and how
he had no problem with my desire to STALK YOU and said you'd
probably be in a diner, and what do you know, in the 138th
Diner I look in, what my luck, here you are! I love you! I
love your songs! You are my soulmate!
TOURETTE'S BOY
Fuck, suck, duck!
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
Yes, I love Carl Jung too!
Under a harsh spotlight, Romantic
Female Character sings the first of
many generic songs about LIFE in a
MAJOR CHORD and in 4/4 TIME.
The song is done WAY AFTER the dramatic
tension of the scene is over and there
is nothing left to be said. This is
what is known in some musical theatre
circles as FAILING SONG PLACEMENT 101.
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
(all actual lyrics:)
IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE LOVE
ON THE WINGS OF A PURE WHITE DOVE!
WHY DON'T THE STARS ABOVE
SHINE DOWN WITH ONE TRUE LOVE!
LIFE IS SUCH A COMPLEX MYSTERY
WHERE IS THE HUMAN... IN HUMANITY!
AUDIENCE
I am going to go hang myself now.
(does)
Enter LITTLE GIRL.
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
Like whoa, who are you?
DEAD GIRL
I'm a dead LATINA girl who's constantly riding around on a
shiny new Razor Rollerboard Scooter (TM) from The Sharper
Image!
(smiles at audience)
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
Oh, I thought you were a dead BLACK girl who's constantly
riding around on a shiny new Razor Rollerboard Scooter (TM)
from The Sharper Image!
DEAD GIRL
No, I'm definitely Latina, and you can tell this because I'm
the SISTER of TOURETTE'S BOY!
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
But he's white... Like, Clorox white. Like, NAZI white.
DEAD GIRL
Yes, it's multi-ethnic casting in an Autumn musical!
Remember when it worked in Brooklyn?
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
No.
SCENE: A NEW YORK APARTMENT THAT SEEMS TOO NICE FOR A
CLASSIFIEDS EDITOR TO AFFORD
The apartment is strewn about in
GENERAL MILLS (C) cereal.
Tourette's Boy and Female are in post
coitis bliss on an IKEA BJORKUDDEN
(TM). They roll onto the KLOFFSTA (R)
and bump into the INGO (TM/R/C).
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
Oh.... Oh!.... OH!...
TOURETTE'S BOY
Bitch! Witch! Snitch! Twitch! GHONNAREA!
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
I love you too!
From the flyspace, enter VAUDEVILLIAN
DISTRACTION.
DAVID TURNER
Hi there! I'M VERY VERY GAY--Alan Cumming in Cabaret gay--
and will be the only reason to not leave your seats during
the intermission!
... Also, there isn't one.
Ever wonder what would happen if this story was... an OPERA?
No? Well, sucks to be you!
David Turner goes into lots of
unnecessary exposition about how he's
some angel-like thing (except that
he's, [and this will be shoved down
your throat like hot lentils] VERY VERY
GAY) and how he's staging an opera
based on the whole story we've been
watching so far.
DAVID TURNER
And I'm doing this because apparently God loves Opera, and I
may or may not be controlling the lives of the main
characters as I further the Opera's plot! Following?
NO? WELL ME FRICKING NEITHER!
Enter some gay Pirates. David Turner
does a dance with the pirates for no
particularly good reason. And to no
particularly good music for that
matter.
He then pulls out a skeleton and slow
dances with it, trying *really* hard to
sell it.
DAVID TURNER'S MOTHER
(cries for her son's soul)
AUDIENCE
(feels bad for David Turner.)
(and his mother.)
(and selves.)
Slow-dance with skeleton continues. A
bunch of dancing skeletons are
projected onto the background.
LIGHTING BOOTH GUY
Whoops, sorry... Left my "Corpse Bride" screen saver on.
Lighting booth guy moves mouse cursor.
SCREEN WAKES UP (AND AUDIENCE
DOESN'T) TO:
SCENE: BACK INTO THE CLUTTERED APARTMENT SET
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
Hey redhead friend.
REDHEAD FRIEND
(entering into the plot WAY too
late to make a damned
difference)
Hey.
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
Remember when you used to date that guy, and then he drank
and crashed his car and he died?
REDHEAD FRIEND
Yes, you sweltering bitch.
(sings a 4/4 Major-chord song
about LIFE and her PAST)
REDHEAD FRIEND'S DEAD
BOYFRIEND
(DEFINITELY entering into the
plot too late for us to
care/understand/stay awake)
I'm here, in heaven, and I'm dead!
(sings a 4/4 Major-chord song
about DEATH which has no
bearing on the plot)
TOURETTE'S BOY
(in a 4/4 poorly-rhymed song
about LIFE which has no
bearing on his character)
I MISS MY MOM! TOM PALM CALM CD-ROM!!
Tourette Boy's dead mother enters.
DEAD MOTHER
(sings in Italian about "LA
VITA", in a major 2/4, which
has no bearing on anything
ever.)
(no, just kidding. 4/4.)
AUDIENCE
(Still hasn't learned Italian)
(see: Light in the Piazza)
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
Hey, I thought you had a black latina daughter?
SCENE: STAPLES
Filing cabinets are all over the place.
People walk around dressed entirely in
white. This is HEAVEN, as envisioned
by SOME IDIOT.
Enter a Yankees Stadium Hot Dog Vendor
and David Turner.
GOD (SELLING CRACKERJACKS)
Hey. I'm DEFINITELY NOT GOD!
(winks)
Now, listen to my audition for the opera that I have
commissioned to watch... that I want to audition for... Or
something.
He sings a stupid song about KENTUCKY
FRIED CHICKEN, followed by another
about MEINEKE MUFFLERS, and a cute
ditty about OSCAR MEYER WEI--
DAVID TURNER
(in fabulous Alexander McQueen
couture)
What the hell is going on? Product placement was tacky
enough. Now we're singing full-out commercials? Where's the
director?
DIRECTOR JOSEPH BROOKS
(entering)
What's up, David?
DAVID TURNER
Isn't this a bit gratuitous? Can't we remove this sh--
Well frankly, we could remove every song in this show and
you'd never notice any of them gone...
But can't these product placement ads go?
DIRECTOR JOSEPH BROOKS
They're rejected TV commercial songs written by the
composer/lyricist after he got the Oscar for the song "You
Light Up My Life".
DAVID TURNER
That's absurd. I want to speak to the Composer/Lyricist.
DIRECTOR JOSEPH BROOKS
(exits)
COMPOSER/LYRICIST
JOSEPH BROOKS
(enters)
Yes?
DAVID TURNER
Director Jos... What?
COMPOSER/LYRICIST
JOSEPH BROOKS
Oh, you wanted Director Joseph Brooks? Composer/Lyricist
Joseph Brooks can get Director Joseph Brooks if you want.
(exits)
DIRECTOR JOSEPH BROOKS
(enters)
Hey David, you called?
DAVID TURNER
...
DIRECTOR JOSEPH BROOKS
Joseph Brooks likes his Oscar. :)
DAVID TURNER
You're fucking kidding me. I will not speak with you.
DIRECTOR JOSEPH BROOKS
Director Joseph Brooks doesn't understand. Do you want to
speak to the Composer/Lyricist again?
DAVID TURNER
No... Just... There's gotta be somebody else on this project.
A bookwriter, right?
LIBRETTIST JOSEPH BROOKS
(entering)
Hiya! :D
DAVID TURNER
(pliés off. But an ANGRY plié!)
Little girl enters.
GOD
Hey there little girl!
STUPID LITTLE GIRL FROM THE
BEGINNING OF THE PLAY
(winking like a whore)
Hey, "AL"! Have you "written any commandments lately"? Have
you "smitten any sodomites"? Have you "parted any seas"?
Have--
GOD
I think they get it. But ya wanna pretend that they don't
get the OBVIOUS "CLUES"?
ANNOYING LITTLE
DIPSHIT OF A GIRL
Yeah, sure...
(sighs. But badly, because
she's a child actor)
Well in that case, how old am I?
GOD
Huh?
LITTLE GIRL
SEGUE INTO DREAM BALLET!
Girl dances in 4/4 about LIFE.
Mother joins in song, but now singing
in English because JOSEPH BROOKS has no
concept of DRAMATIC CONTINUITY.
REDHEAD FRIEND'S
DEAD BOYFRIEND
Hey, little girl, I just wanted to say, I'm really sorry that
when I did the drunk-driving thing, I killed you.
LITTLE GIRL
That's okay. No worries.
AUDIENCE
She was killed by dead boyfriend? Oh.... Well... that would
be... Kinda revelatory... You know... if I CARED ABOUT EITHER
CHARACTER.
REDHEAD FRIEND'S
DEAD BOYFRIEND
(4/4 major chords)
OH LIFE,
OH LIFE,
SOMETHING SOMETHING *LIFE*,
(more real lyrics:)
IF I COULD COME BACK JUST ONE MORE TIME...
I'D WATCH OUT FOR THE ONE-WAY SIGN!
Joseph Brooks gets the equivalent of
whatever's the exact opposite of the
Edward Kleban award for Lyrics.
SCENE: HOSPITAL
DAVID TURNER
Well, to make my opera more interesting, let's give the
orphan boy with Tourette's a TUMOR!
(looks at Joseph Brooks)
You're a sick bastard, you know?
MULTI-UNTALENTED
JOSEPH BROOKS
Joseph Brooks says that--
DAVID TURNER
No, I mean it. You're going straight to Hell.
The Tourette's Boy has an MRI and is
PROGNOSED VIA SONG!
DOCTOR
We are going to operate. And if we don't operate now, you're
going to go blind. And you'll lose your memory. And your
sense of hearing will deteriorate, and you will experience
hemorrhaging.
And then you will die.
TOURETTE'S BOY
DIE FIE LIE SIGH MY CRY BUY PENIS PENIS PENIS!
AUDIENCE
...wait... the orphan boy with Tourette's has just been
condemned to die, and we're supposed to laugh because he said
the word "Penis"?
DOCTOR (CONT'D)
(overly-dramatic)
We could save your sight if we operate now. If not, it will
BE TOO LATE.
TOURETTE'S BOY
No! I will not be operated upon!
Tourette's boy sings a Major song in--
watch for it--4/4!
TOURETTE'S BOY
(singing)
I MUST HAVE FAITH
I MUST BE STRONG
I MUST DO RIGHT
I WON'T DO WRONG
I JUST WILL NOT
BE OPERATED ON!
The tourette's boy makes the decision
to die, for no apparent reason. Song
ends on a button and then pauses for
applause for some reason.
Of course, by now the Audience has
suspected that there's no intermission,
and have begun to pelt the actors with
organic produce.
SCENE: SAME NEW YORK APARTMENT.
TOURETTE'S BOY
You don't know that I have a tumor. SO, let's get married!
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
Of course!
(to audience)
If I were a well-rounded character, this would be the point
in the plot that I would contemplate the consequences of
marrying a boy whom I hardly know.
TOURETTE'S BOY
FUCK SUCK DUCK!
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
But tourette's is just so damn cute!
(to BOY)
And if there's anything that these past ~18 hours of dating
you has taught me, it's that you're my soulmate, and that I
am a lonely, pathetic horny girl. Also, I work at the
Village Voice, so my life can only get better.
TOURETTE'S BOY
I lied. I have a tumor and I'm going to die.
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
Boo.
SCENE: HOSPITAL
HEAD DOCTOR
Quick doctors, get him ready for an operation!
Doctors get him prepped for OR, which
apparently consists of putting a flying
harness on our favorite Tourette's
Poster Child.
He flies to heaven via plainly-visible
wires. Audience laughs as main
character "dies".
TOURETTE'S BOY
I don't want to go to heaven! I want to write more music!
(singing)
I HAVE SO MANY SONGS!
I HAVE SO MANY SONGS!
STORIES OF PASSION
STORIES OF FRIENDSHIP
AND TALES OF HOW ROMANCE SURVIVES--
"A NEW BRAIN"
COMPOSER WILLIAM FINN
You know, normally I'd care, but it's hard to care about
theft from a show that'll close before this Abridge even hits
the web.
"RAGTIME" SONGWRITERS LYNN
AHRENS AND STEPHEN FLAHERTY
You know, there's something strangely familiar about "Your
Daddy's Son"... er... we mean, "My Mother's Son".
CLAUDE-MICHEL SCHONBERG
AND ALAIN BOUBLIL
[SONGWRITERS OF SUCH LES MIS
HITS AS "A HEART FULL OF LOVE"
AND "IN MY LIFE"]
Yeah, well...
SCENE: OFFICE-DEPOT/OFFICE-MAX (HEY, CAN ANYBODY ACTUALLY
EVER TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHICH ONE'S WHICH?)
GOD-DAMNED GIRL
You must help my brother survive this Tumor!
GOD
No.
GOD-DAMNED GIRL
Yes.
GOD
Fine.
God sings a song about how once again
in his LIFE, he's got a path to choose,
and he must make a choice.
Wait... God has a LIFE? And a path?
REAL FUCKING DEEP, eh?
GOD
David Turner, get your gay gayness in here, and be gay about
it.
DAVID TURNER
I'm quitting this show tomorrow.
GOD
(ignoring)
I need you to put together a wedding.
DAVID TURNER
(heart swells to three times
the size)
Yay!
GOD
Wow. You, the selfish angel, suddenly gained HEART!
DAVID TURNER
It's not like Joseph Brooks was going to.
IMPERIALIST JOSEPH BROOKS
Jospeh Brooks thinks--
DAVID TURNER
I said you shut up or you lose a toe.
SCENE: WEDDING
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
I do.
TOURETTE'S BOY
I DO SHOE FOO FLUE BOO BLUE!
"ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
Wait... We never got to see how you recovered from your
tum--
WORTHLESS LITTLE GIRL
And so my brother didn't die, and they got married. And the
moral of this story is, don't drive drunk, because that's how
I DIED. So have a good life. And take a risk. Because life
can turn on a dime.
(pause)
But if you drive drunk, you're going to hell. Just like
Joseph Brooks.
BLACKOUT.
EPILOGUE:
"In My Life" closed soon after opening
night, but quickly transferred to
Germany.
It has been playing there for the past
fifteen years starring David Hasselhoff
and Deborah Gibson.
Remember her?
RSS Feed
E-mail me about new scripts!
