"Papa, Mister Hooper's camera is getting awfully close. "
"Yes Cosette, that's called a 'bad touch'."
LES MISERABLES: THE MOVIE: In 3-D!!!
SCENE: A BUNCH OF PRISONERS ARE HELPLESSLY DRAGGED THROUGH AN OVERSIZED TROUGH. YOU KNOW, LIKE one DOes WITH PRISONERS.
PRISONERS
LOOK UP
LOOK UP
THERE'S SO MUCH C.G.I.
THIS FILM'S
SO LONG
THE NOVEL SEEMS TO FLYYYYY
BYYYYY
HUGH JACKMAN
I am the *INTENSE* Hugh Jackman from the X-Men movies, and also some other films you may tolerate! In which I am ALSO VERY INTENSE! Listen to me as crewmembers POUR WATER IN MY FACE!
Water flies into the camera lens--IN THREE-DEE!
HUGH JACKMAN
(still singing)
MORE!
The crew throws more water in his face.
HUGH JACKMAN
(warbling evermore)
HARDER!
The folks at ILM animate giant segments of a ship crashing into the water, killing random prisoners who still sing even while dead.
HUGH JACKMAN
(singing, but manly!)
GIVE IT TO ME!
Crewmembers run out of things to pour into the frame and start tossing lighting equipment at Hugh Jackman.
A CGI dragon flies by.
Whatever.
Enter Russell Crowe, who won't stop making "I'm having diarrhea" faces each time he tries to "sing."
RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE
Hugh Jackman!
HUGH JACKMAN
RUSSELL CROWE! I thought this was the THREE-DEE SCREENING!
RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE
It is.
HUGH JACKMAN
You are only in TWO-DEE.
RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE
Very observant, Prisoner 2468TEN. Here are your parole papers; show this to everybody you meet so that they don't give you a job.
HUGH JACKMAN
Now WHY would I go and do that?
RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE
Don't worry, if we ever do a film version that'll be explained much more clearly.
HUGH JACKMAN
But we are filming the FILM VERSION even as we speak!
RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE
Ah, well it seems nobody informed me of this. Now go lift that HEAVY WOODEN CHRIST-LIKE CROSS over there, or else how the hell will I possibly know that you're a CHRIST-FIGURE? Or recognize you when you lift HEAVY OBJECTS a couple of years from now?
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
Hey guys, that's foreshadowing. I also did that in my other movie, "The Kings's Spe--
HUGH JACKMAN
HOOPER! I am not looking intense enough. I WANT TO NOW FILM SCENES OF ME HIKING THROUGH FORESTS, MOUNTAINS, AND SNOW.
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
Well, gee Hugh, I dunno--
HUGH JACKMAN
I AM SINGING-DANCING-MAN HUGH JACKMAN AND YOU WILL LISTEN!
SCENE: PETER JACKSON'S LEFTOVER STOCK FOOTAGE.
HUGH JACKMAN
Hi, X-Men co-star Ian McKellen!
IAN MCKELLEN
Hugh, guess what? This December I saw an overhyped movie filled with horrible sounds, disfigured creatures, over-indulgent directing and one man's hour-too-long journey with repeated choruses of the same song over and over and over again.
Say it with me:
HUGH JACKMAN/IAN MCKELLEN
"I ALSO SAW THE HOBBIT!"
IAN MCKELLEN
Nice.
HUGH JACKMAN
Hey, you think maybe I'm the Australian you?
IAN MCKELLEN
Sigh. Forsooth, I am getting to become too age-d for this fecal matter.
SCENE: THE CHALET THAT COLM WILKINSON BOUGHT WITH ALL HIS "BRING HIM HOME" MONEY.
COLM WILKINSON
You poor, poor Valjean.
HUGH JACKMAN
YES LIFE HAS BEEN HARD FOR ME.
COLM WILKINSON
I'm... pretty sure that's not the way I meant that.
Hugh Jackman steals all of Colm Wilkinson's stuff and runs away, only to be brought back by the police.
THE POLICE
We hit this thief real hard on the head so he has to do that "What Have I Done?" bit with blood seeping into his eye, like some MIDDLE SCHOOL PRODUCTION of "Les Mis Junior".
COLM WILKINSON
That's okay, he didn't actually steal anything, I gave it to him. Including this precious silver.
(hands silver over)
HUGH JACKMAN
(looking at the silver)
BUT THIS IS YOUR TONY AWARD!
COLM WILKINSON
Yes. It means nothing to me now, you hack.
HUGH JACKMAN
(pacing back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth in a tiny room)
I... DON'T... KNOW WHAT... YOU'RE... TALKING ABOUT!
THE ORCHESTRA
(coming in late, then early, then late again)
Will you sing in SOMETHING EVEN SLIGHTLY RESEMBLING A RHYTHM?
How do you expect us to follow you if you just pretend that metronomes are
mythological items?
HUGH JACKMAN'S NOSEHAIRS
ZOOOOOM! Aren't you glad you saw this in Three-Deeeeeeeee!
SCENE: MONTAGE
We see the very illustrative--but narratively compact--montage that the stage musical couldn't have possibly given us. In it we are shown how Valjean becomes a new man, finds success as a very respected and wealthy man in the community, and overcomes all of the social obstacles that Fantine and even a younger Valjean had difficulty with, thereby leading to a more satisfying denouement at the story's end.
Oh wait?... Nevermind, apparently NONE of that happens.
SCENE: THE FACTORY WHERE ANNE HATHAWAY WORKS.
Lower-class people beg while sick people ache while hungry people starve while overworked people suffer all while singing a catchy song illuminating their plight. Just as all poor people do.
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
This quick-succession of images is the closest we'll get in
this film to something called a "montage." You might have seen this "montage"
construct when I used it in "The King's Speech."
I directed that too!
Now I'm going to show you a
"camera angle." It is when you put a camera in a weird place and then everybody
gets to see what happens from that weird place! I also did this in another
movie I directed.
I forget which one, but
it's probably "The King's Speech".
ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY
CCCCCRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! PPPPPAAAAAIINNNN! SUUUUUFFFERRRRINNNGGGG!
FACTORY BOSS
Anne Hathaway, I saw that Limo picture and I want a piece of that.
ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY
NNNOOOOOOOO! YOU CAAAANNN'TTTT!!
HUGH JACKMAN
What is going on here? Damn, do I look mighty dapper! BUT STILL SO MUCH WITH THE INTENSE!
ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY
CRRRRYYYYYY! MMMYYYY DDDAAAAUUUGGGHHHTTTEEERRR! OOOOOOSSSSCCCAAARRR!
HUGH JACKMAN
Don't mind me, I'm distracted by how I look younger and younger each successive scene of this musical.
ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY
(fighting with factory workers)
HUGH YOU HAVE TO HELP MEEEEEEEEEE
HUGH JACKMAN
(looking in mirror)
Gosh, you'd never be able to tell that I spent nineteen years in a French prison.
Anne Hathaway is forced into prostitution.
She loses her hair, her teeth, she starves herself, she acts in a movie that Tom Hooper is directing...
Really, ANYTHING in a desperate attempt to match Natalie Portman's Oscar status. Anything, except dance.
SCENE: A COURTROOM.
HUGH JACKMAN
THAT MAN IS NOT JEAN VALJEAN, I AM JEAN VALJEAN!
RUSSELL CROWE NOT ON A LEDGE
Prove it. Lift something heavy and dull.
Hugh Jackman picks up Russell Crowe.
RUSSELL CROWE NOT ON A LEDGE
Ah. I see what you did there.
HUGH JACKMAN
I'll be at the hospital.
RUSSELL CROWE NOT ON A LEDGE
Sure, why would I arrest you here, where every single person in the room is a man of the law?
SCENE: HOSPITAL WHERE ANNE HATHAWAY DIES.
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
Now in this scene, I use a "scrim" to make Young Cosette seem
like she's "standing behind a scrim." This is a new filmmaking technique that I
call, "scrim-standing-behinding."
I used this in "The King's
Speech," where Young King Edward stands behind a scrim.
ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY
Oh young Cosette mirage, I'm going to die now, and then I won't ever have to sit through more than the first 20 minutes of a screening.
(dies)
Enter Russell Crowe.
RUSSELL CROWE NOT ON A LEDGE
Hugh! I have not been on a ledge for almost ten minutes now, and I blame *you*!
HUGH JACKMAN
Then let us fight as we do lots of MANLY SINGING!
RUSSELL CROWE NOT ON A LEDGE
Shall we step outside to do so?
HUGH JACKMAN
No, let's do it here, INSIDE OF THIS WORKING HOSPITAL!
They swordfight, gruesomely murdering dozens of innocent nurses and patients in the process.
HUGH JACKMAN
CROWE! Why is your singing so suddenly non-cringeworthy in this song and only this song?
RUSSELL CROWE NOT ON A LEDGE
Because I'm not on a ledge. When I'm not standing on a ledge I sing much better.
Russell Crowe follows Hugh Jackman out onto a ledge.
RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE
(swallowing a note and farting it out)
Dammit.
HUGH JACKMAN
I AM GOING TO JUMP OFF THIS LEDGE INTO THE WATER, MOST INTENSELY!
RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE
Well, I COULD jump in after you, but you know how much I *love* ledges.
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
Now folks, this next song, "Stars," is arguably one of the
best songs in the musical.
It uses a cinematic technique
called GRATUITOUS GREEN-SCREEN, which helps Russell Crowe leverage the greatest
advancements in digital computer imagery in order to repeatedly rape a thing
you love.
RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE
(copulating with a pile of Les Miserables CDs)
THEEEEEAAAHH OUTINDA DURKNUSSSS
COLM WILKINSON
Please dear lord the humanity.
BOUBLIL AND SCHONBERG
We would kill ourselves. But we need to stay around so we have the opportunity to claw out our eardrumbs when Soon-Yi sings "The Movie In My Mind" in the "Miss Saigon" film.
RUSSELL CROWE ON A LEDGE
ANIFYU FALL LA LA LUSIFERFELL FUFLAME, FLA-SWORD!
STUZ.
STUZ IN YAR
MULTITOOOOOOOOOOOOOD--
BOUBLIL AND SCHONBERG
On second thought--
(commit suicide)
SCENE: LET'S MEET BORAT AND BELLATRIX!
SASHA BARON COHEN
Remember when you found me a wonderful surprise in "Sweeney Todd?"
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
And remember that one movie where you were seriously impressed by my unique and ultimately wonderful performance?
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
That was probably my movie! It was called "The King's--
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Crawl in a ditch and die, Tom Hooper.
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
Hahaha... awesome joke.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
No really, I could get Tim Burton do it and he'd thank me for the pleasure.
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
Maybe I don't understand what a joke means? Isn't a joke when you cast two usually-funny actors in new roles, and the funny part is remembering-how-funny-they-were-in-something-else-but-not-this, right?
SASHA BARON COHEN
(with fever on day of filming)
GOD DAMMIT HOOPER, JUST FILM ME PUKING! IT'S BASICALLY THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'LL PUT IN THIS HUMORLESS SOAP OPERA!
Hugh Jackman enters, takes the young COSETTE, and they leave on a stage coach.
YOUNG COSETTE
Oh, lead actor from "Rock'em-Sock'em Robots The Movie," will you be my Daddy?
HUGH JACKMAN
Yes. Now let me sing a new song for you.
(sings)
SUDDENLY I SEE
SUDDENLY IT STARTS
A SONG THAT YOU DON'T
REMEMBER FROM THE MUSICAL
WITH NO FORM AT ALL
SERIOUSLY YOU CAN JUST GO
ABBADABBAMABBADABBAYABBA
AND SOMEHOW IT FITS INTO
THE STRUCTURE OF THE SONG
SUDDENLY THE WORLD WILL
NOMINATE THIS SONG FOR AN OSCAR
AND MAYBE IT WILL WIN
BECAUSE THEY REALLY LIKE THE OTHER SONGS
BUT THOSE SONGS AREN'T
ELIGIBLE FOR NOMINATION
SUDDENLY
SUDDENLY
"SUDDENLY," WE HOPE, WILL
BE THE "THE DEPARTED" OF OSCAR SONGS.
YOUNG COSETTE
Daddy you just added 4 minutes to a musical that the Director already failed to make sufficient cuts to. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get into my Gavroche costume.
SCENE: HALFWAY INTO THE FILM, AND AMANDA SEYFRIeD AND EDDIE REDMAYNE AND AARON TVEIT HAVEN'T EVEN SHOWN UP ONSCREEN YET.
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
This is a cinematic technique called "I don't really understand that stage musicals can be long because they have these points where people need a break and they go take a piss and is that called halftime? I only watch Football. British Football. Sorry what was my point? Oh I should close the double quote: "
Audience weighs whether to pee in their pants or just leave, and ultimately makes the wrong decision.
SCENE: MONTAGE to an orchestral reprise of "At the end of the day"
We see Young Cosette grow up, time and again shielded from the difficulties of life by a father figure who doesn't want his child to see how cruel the world has been to him, thereby fully justifying his decision never to reveal his true past.
What is great about this montage--in a way that only film can do--is the way it gives us glimpses into the life of a young Marius, who rebels against his social standing to become a revolutionary, one in a long line of failed revolutions against the French monarchy that this montage traces us through in a carefully-constructed series of vignettes.
There are also vignettes of a young Eponine estranged from her parents, how she comes to be infatuated with Marius, and how Marius finds a brother in Enjolras. We even learn the importance of the elephant that is later used in the Paris scenes.
All the while, even in the tumultuous environment of Paris, Valjean is again able to become extraordinary wealthy from nothing, using the lessons he learned in the previous time-skipping montage.
Oh? There WAS no previous time-skipping montage?
Well then, Fuck You Film-goer, it seems.
SCENE: OUTSIDE OF WHATEVER VERY RICH NICE FANCY EXPENSIVE PLACE HUGH JACKMAN LIVES IN NOW.
HUGH JACKMAN
Ta-ta, Amanda Seyfried. I'm going out to get my hair re-colored and my face lifted, so I continue to look just as young as I did twenty years ago.
(exits)
AMANDA SEYFRIED
Take care, papa. I'm going to sit here and continually swallow my own vomit as I gaze upon this CGI butterfly, which surely this film could not have possibly done without.
Eddie Redmayne sees Amanda Seyfried and vaguely recognizes her from hits like "Pierce Brosnan Sings" and that one Justin Timberlake sci-fi film that made no sense.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Amanda!
(sings)
A HEART FULL OF LOVE
A HEART FULL OF LOVE
AMANDA SEYFRIED
(barely-passable singing)
A HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRTTTTTTTTT FFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL OF LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--
EDDIE REDMAYNE
TOM! TOM MAKE HER STOP!
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
What's wrong Eddie? Don't you love Amanda Seyfried? I saw her in "Mamma Mia" and thought she had a voice like silver.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Tom, does Russell Crowe also have a "voice of silver"?!?
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
No. Isn't it clear that Crowe has the voice of Gold?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
You have no idea how Olympic medals work, do you.
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
Not the foggiest. But remember that other movie that had a song? In a dramatic moment towards the end? What film was that...
EDDIE REDMAYNE
(ignoring)
I love you Amanda Seyfried because you're sort of attractive I guess. Even though I have this stunning supermodel following me around, basically pleading for me to take her V-card.
SAMANTHA BARKS
(with the wind blowing through her hair, as she appears in the least-tomboyish outfit ever)
Hi! I am the ugliest and most toothless character in the novel.
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
The King's Speech! That was the film's title.
Samantha Barks sings "On My Own" in exactly the time it takes for a pouring raincloud to pass overhead.
RAINCLOUD
AIM FOR THE CLEAVAGE! MAKE EVERYTHING CLING!
Samantha Barks circles a wrap around her body so that you can see just how much sex appeal she, uh, disgusts Eddie Redmayne with or something.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
I clearly don't find you attractive in the least, Samantha.
SAMANTHA BARKS
Right... My eyes are up here.
SCENE: A FRENCH REVOLUTION FILMED IN AN UGLY PART OF PARIS. (THERE ARE PRETTIER AREAS OF PARIS, YOU KNOW.)
AARON TVEIT
Revolutionaries! Follow me past Lot 40 to Paramount 53 right next to the King Kong ride! It's right behind Hill Valley's clocktower and it's DEFINITELY NOT the set for Chocolat!
REVOLUTIONARIES
Yes, we will assuredly follow you into this dead end! In war it is always a good idea to retreat to an area where you can be surrounded on all sides!
AARON TVEIT
I WILL SING SO VERY BEAUTIFULLY ABOUT HOW WE WILL BUILD A BARRICADE!
REVOLUTIONARIES
And we will listen to you because you're the only well-groomed one out of the lot of us!
They haul out a leftover barricade from the Orange County High School production.
AARON TVEIT
What the hell? I didn't spend seven hours in front of the mirror this morning for a barricade that can fit through a bathroom door!
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
Sorry, we ran out of money after paying for Russell Crowe's
voice lessons, which we just found out was a bottle of Scotch.
But a good bottle of Scotch; a
bronze one.
AARON TVEIT
(wind blowing through his hair and glistening cleavage)
NO MATTER! FIIIIIIGGGGHHTTTTprettysinging!
FRENCH ARMY
There's what, one, maybe two dozen of you fighting the entire French Army?
REVOLUTIONARIES
The Extras got lost on the way between the Gangs of New York set and the Jurassic Park ride.
FRENCH ARMY
That's OK, Russell Crowe had to be pulled away from the Waterworld stunt show kicking and screaming.
The French Army shoots at the revolutionaries and Samantha Barks gets shot in the bosom.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
(doing his best bobble head impression)
Oh no, Samantha!
SAMANTHA BARKS
Eddie, Amanda Seyfried wrote a letter and left it for you, but in this film version of the musical I selfishly stole it and I'm only giving it to you because I'm dying.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
You wench.
He smacks her in the face just enough to downgrade her beauty to a respectable Amanda Seyfried level, after which she dies.
After which that little boy dies.
After which all the other revolutionaries die, except for Aaron Tveit, because he's too pretty to muss up.
REVOLUTIONARIES
HEY BY THE WAY ANYONE KNOW WHAT WE WERE FIGHTING FOR?--
(croak)
AARON TVEIT
I MUST DIE WITH DIGNITY! REMEMBER IN THE STAGE PRODUCTION WHEN MY BODY WAS FLUNG OVER THE EDGE OF THE BARRICADE?
FRENCH ARMY
Um.
AARON TVEIT
I MUST RE-CREATE THAT HIGHLY DRAMATIC ICONIC TABLEAU IN THIS FILM AS WELL!
FRENCH ARMY
All right, let's go with this.
AARON TVEIT
I AM STEPPING BACKWARD!
FRENCH ARMY
Sure...
AARON TVEIT
I AM STEPPING BACKWARDS EVEN MORE!
FRENCH ARMY
Keep going...
AARON TVEIT
I AM NOW GOING TO FA--
FRENCH ARMY
No you have a few more feet to go.
AARON TVEIT
RIGHT THEN! NOW I'M STEPPING BACK AGAIN!
FRENCH ARMY
Aim left a bit.
AARON TVEIT
AM I THERE YET?
FRENCH ARMY
Yeah.
AARON TVEIT
OK, I'M GOING TO FALL NOW!.... I'M DYING! I'M DEAD!
Aaron Tveit falls splayed over the edge of the second-story apartment window.
AARON TVEIT
THIS IS A VERY DRAMATIC DEATH! VERY VERY VERY VERY DRAMATIC!
FRENCH ARMY
Yeah not so much.
Enter the PROTAGONIST and ANTAGONIST. Remember them?
HUGH JACKMAN
Hi everyone, I'm still in this movie.
RUSSELL CROWE
Me too. But it's been awhile; you haven't needed to plug your ears for roughly the length of a Pixar film!
We zoom WAY in on their heads again, so the Three-Dee emphasizes each of the goddamn wrinkles on their face.
"DIRECTOR" TOM HOOPER
Hey guys? Guys, what's a "wide shot?" Guys? Was it something I used in that one movie I really shouldn't have won that Oscar for? By now is there anybody not still yet aware that I directed THAT close-up-fest?
Hugh Jackman sings "Bring him Home" in a key he can't even hear in.
HUGH JACKMAN
Oh look it's Eddie Redmayne, and he seems just as dead as the rest of these kids! I guess with proper medical attention I could save most of them, couldn't I?
(picks up Eddie Redmayne and none of the others)
To the doctor!
SCENE: THE "SUSPENSE" SCENE. You know it is a suspense scene because the underscoring is MENACING and increases in tempo. You are all sorts of welcome.
Hugh Jackman drags Eddie Redmayne through the intricate and complex series of Paris' underground sewers. With barely any light, plenty of excrement, and zero knowledge of how to navigate where he is going, it is uncertain how Hugh will know where to exit and whether or not poor Eddie will be seen by a doctor in time.
But what is DEFINITELY certain is that they have lost Russell Crowe once and for all.
Hugh Jackman
Finally, we have lost Russell Crowe once and for all!
RUSSELL CROWE
Surprise! Here I am.
Hugh Jackman
How the hell did yo--
RUSSELL CROWE
And I need one thing: justice. Or a ledge. Either justice or a ledge, which will you provide me with?
HUGH JACKMAN
Do you ever get tired of doing this same thing throughout this film?
RUSSELL CROWE
Well sometimes I pull out my phone and tweet at American Idol personalities to pass the time.
HUGH JACKMAN
Ever thought of killing yourself?
RUSSELL CROWE
But that would be so cliche--pretty much everybody's died.
HUGH JACKMAN
But did any of them kill themselves and hit the ground with the auditory accompaniment of a re-used Monty Python sound effect?
RUSSELL CROWE
(jumps)
I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU LEDGES!
He croaks, which is a better sound than anything that has come out of his mouth for the past three hours.
AUDIENCE
(cheers!)
Now to make that Russell-Crowe-dies over-and-over-again YouTube remix!
SCENE: HUGH JACKMAN TELLS EDDIE REDMAYNE HIS SECRET SECRETS.
HUGH JACKMAN
I am unaware that Javert is dead, so I must run away, far far away. You must never tell Cosette that I ran away to another city where Javert cannot ever possibly find me.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
You're just going to the monastery across the street aren--
HUGH JACKMAN
YES I AM JUST GOING TO THE MONASTERY ACROSS THE STREET. Ungh.
Hugh Jackman slumps in his chair and the camera gets closer and closer, because what's the use of three-dee if you can't have an old man's nose stick up through the celluloid into your FACE?
AMANDA SEYFRIED
Papa! I hear you're dying in 2 minutes--
AUDIENCE
(excitedly sets stopwatches)
AMANDA SEYFRIED
--I thought it would be the perfect time to finally come see you!
HUGH JACKMAN
Yes I'm DYING, Amanda! Wait... I see a vision... of a better singer and actress than you!
ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY
Come with me, Hugh Jackman, it's finally over.
HUGH JACKMAN
And I'll never have to watch it again?
ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY
And you'll never have to watch it again, particularly in movie form.
HUGH JACKMAN
(dies)
COLM WILKINSON
Let's go to heaven, Hugh!
HUGH JACKMAN
YAAAAAYYYYY!
They enter heaven.
Hugh Jackman's soul has been saved and he sees where he will be spending eternity.
It is full of young, dead revolutionaries living the dream life they imagined if they won the war on the barricade. That is, if their dream life was to be still living in squalor amongst the rubble and destruction in war-torn Paris.
HUGH JACKMAN
What the hell is this?
ACADEMY AWARD HOST ANNE HATHAWAY
It's, um, it's heaven.
HUGH JACKMAN
Heaven?!?
Valjean is waved to by a bunch of smiling, annoying kids he fought alongside for 45 minutes of his epic life.
HUGH JACKMAN
I had a sister!
Who the hell *are* you people?
The camera suddenly zooms into Hugh Jackman's face so hard that the lens cracks, mercifully treating us to a...
BLACKOUT.
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