LOVEMUSIK ABRIDGED (BUT STILL WAY TOO LONG)
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: MANHATTAN THEATRE CLUB OFFICES.
DIRECTOR HAROLD PRINCE
I want to direct Threepenny Opera.
HEADS OF MTC
Sorry, Roundabout just did it.
DIRECTOR HAROLD PRINCE
But it sucked. Come on, let me.
HEADS OF MTC
Sorry, you'd have to wait seven years.
DIRECTOR HAROLD PRINCE
Then I'll just do my favorite songs from Threepenny in a new
musical.
HEADS OF MTC
What will you do for the rest of the musical?
DIRECTOR HAROLD PRINCE
Get Donna Murphy and Michael Cerveris to vamp for two hours.
That OK?
HEADS OF MTC
You're Harold Price. Direct Encyclopedia Britannica and
people will pay for it.
ONE YEAR AND ZERO OUT-OF-TOWN
TRYOUTS LATER:
SCENE: THE BILTMORE THEATRE, INSTEAD OF THE SMALL BLACKBOX
THAT THIS MUSICAL REALLY OUGHTA BE PERFORMED IN.
Curtain up. Overture plays, a mix of
Kurt Weill tunes.
Do you like listening to Overtures? Or
do you prefer talking quietly during
them?
You don't have a choice. Orchestra
members will be SPOT-LIT during the
overture.
Talking during THIS overture would be
like TALKING DURING THE MIDDLE OF A
PLAY! Only assholes talk during the
middle of a play.
And you're not an asshole, are you?
Enter a stage.
STAGE
Hello there! I'm a stage! I am on top of the regular stage.
I'm a stage on top of a stage! I, the stage, represent the
fact that you're watching a presentation of a story as
opposed to a regular story. This is terribly CLEVER, isn't
it?
(pause)
Wait... Did I say CLEVER? Sorry, I meant BRECHTIAN. So easy
to accidentally use one when you're intending the other.
Dark music plays, ensuring us we are to
see a brooding and intense musical.
Enter MICHAEL CERVERIS and DONNA MURPHY
in a rowboat that slides onstage very
slowly.
DONNA MURPHY
(as LENYA)
Kum. Eh take yu to ze place verr you go. I em ze maid.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
(as KURT WEILL, in awesome wig)
Eh em Kurt Veill.
DONNA MURPHY
Ness teh met yu Kurt Veill.
They are just getting to know each
other when suddenly, a woman appears on
the stairs!
RANDOM WOMAN ON STAIRS
(singing)
NANA'S LIED
NANA'S LIED...
DONNA MURPHY
(to Random Woman)
Vet err you doing?
RANDOM WOMAN ON STAIRS
I'm singing a song.
DONNA MURPHY
Vet song?
RANDOM WOMAN ON STAIRS
A Weill/Brecht song.
DONNA MURPHY
Vhy?
RANDOM WOMAN ON STAIRS
Because musicals should have songs.
(continues singing for a short
while)
We forget what was going on.
Eventually, we get to pick up the scene
from where we were.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
(back in character)
So yu arr net Jewish, eh? My femily would not approve. You
see they--
RANDOM FAMILY OF WEILL
APPEARING IN BACKGROUND
(singing)
WE ARE JEWISH! WE ARE JEWISH!
JEWISH JEWISH JEWISH!
ISN'T IT FUNNY, OR SOMETHING,
THAT WE ARE JEWISH!
DONNA MURPHY
Yeh? Vell my femily--
RANDOM FAMILY OF LENYA
APPEARING IN BACKGROUND
WE ARE CHRISTIAN!
WE ARE SINGING A SONG!
IT IS A MUSICAL ABOUT WEILL!
LET'S SING A SONG THAT--
DONNA MURPHY
God dammit let us finish a scene!
(to Michael Cerveris, as LENYA
again)
Su perheps you ant I ken--
The scene blacks out suddenly, almost
as if nobody could figure out how one
ends scenes in musicals.
SCENE: A COLD PLACE WHERE COLD GERMANS GET MARRIED, COLDLY.
A setpiece rolls in. Very slowly.
DONNA MURPHY
(still in a German accent,
but no longer typed as such to
save your sanity)
Let's get married.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
If we get married, will you stop sleeping with other people?
DONNA MURPHY
No.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
I'll deal now, and complain later.
GERMAN COURT MAGISTRATE
I now pronounce you husband and wife!
POOR ACTRESS PLAYING A COURT
SECRETARY, SOLELY FOR THE
PURPOSE OF ROUNDING OUT THE
VOICES
Yay!
A *song* is sung. Because that's what
musicals have, *songs*.
Some *special* musicals even have
American songs from 1943 SHOEHORNED
into depicting German events in 1926!
SCENE: A SETPIECE THAT SLIDES IN, VERY SLOWLY.
Enter Bertolt Brecht.
BRECHT
(in a long joke with no payoff)
I HAVE LOTS OF WOMEN
I HAVE LOTS OF WOMEN
THIS COULD BE FUNNY,
BUT REALLY IT'S NOT!
(speaking)
Now women, whom I have lots of, I will attempt to do not
necessarily-comedic-relief--
The scene ends suddenly, as if nobody
could figure out how to write dialogue
that finishes a thought.
SCENE: AUDITIONS FOR "THREEPENNY OPERA".
OR SO ONE WOULD ASSUME, IF YOU'RE ALREADY WELL VERSED IN
WEILL AND BRECHT AND DON'T BELIEVE MUSICALS SHOULD EXPLAIN
THE BACKGROUND OF WHAT'S GOING ON.
An opera house setpiece rolls in, very
slowly. In silence.
DONNA MURPHY
(auditioning)
WELL SHOW ME THE WAY
TO THE NEXT WHISKY BAR
OH, DON'T ASK WHY
OH, DON'T ASK WHY.
MISINFORMED AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Kurt Weill was in The Doors? Wow, I am learning so much
about Kurt Weill!
DONNA MURPHY
(still singing)
OH MOON OF ALABAMA...
(stops)
Brecht, what does "Alabama" mean in this song?
BRECHT
I chose it randomly off of a map.
BOOKWRITER ALFRED UHRY
(entering)
I chose it randomly off of a songlist.
DONNA MURPHY
What?
BOOKWRITER ALFRED UHRY
Huh? Wait, what did you say?
DONNA MURPHY
I asked what Alabama meant.
BOOKWRITER ALFRED UHRY
Oh... Sorry, I thought you were asking me what a specific
song was doing at a specific point in the show.
DONNA MURPHY
Which song?
BOOKWRITER ALFRED UHRY
Huh? Oh... Um...
(points)
LOOK A BRECHTIAN DEVICE!
(runs off stage left)
SCENE: OPENING NIGHT FOR "THREEPENNY OPERA".
A setpiece rolls in, very slowly, as we
will become accustomed to.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Lenya, your name isn't on this program!
DONNA MURPHY
It's not?
MICHAEL CERVERIS
This makes me very angry.
DONNA MURPHY
Don't let it.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
(suddenly perfectly fine)
OKAY!
DONNA MURPHY
Time for me to get onstage in THREEPENNY OPERA.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Yes, DONNA MURPHY, doing an AMAZING JOB portraying LENYA, go
onstage in THREEPENNY, the show with PIRATE JENNY, which everybody
would love to see you do a rendition of!
DONNA MURPHY
Okay, I'm about to go onstage. In the show that has
PIRATE JENNY.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Okay!
She goes onstage.
DONNA MURPHY
(with a little bit of PIRATE JENNY)
Look! There goes Mack the Knife!
Blackout.
For real.
SCENE: PARTY AT WEILL'S HOUSE.
MANY CHORUS MEMBERS WHO
COULD HAVE BEEN REMOVED FROM
THIS PRODUCTION WITHOUT
ANYBODY NOTICING
Brecht, we didn't get to see ANY of Threepenny portrayed just
now. Since it's such an important stepping stone in Weill's
life that wasn't really explored at all, why don't you make
up for it by pointlessly singing Mack the Knife to the
audience at this party?
BRECHT
Okay!
(serenades the audience,
looks damn silly)
AUDIENCE
Wow, it must be really hard to take characters from 1930s
Berlin and make them INTERESTING.
SCENE: SHOCKHEADED PETER RIP-OFF.
Enter MICHAEL CERVERIS and BRECHT.
Shadow puppets of Swastikas and whatnot
onstage.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
AND BRECHT
(blatant, out-of-nowhere
offensiveness)
OH HITLER HITLER HITLER,
WE MADE YOU OUT OF CLAY
AND WHEN WE'RE DRY AND READY,
OH HILTER WE SHALL PLAY.
Half of the audience imitates the
"Springtime for Hitler" audience in the
original PRODUCERS movie.
The other half imitates the "Springtime
for Hitler" audience during the
Producers Musical. (During the first
year of its run, of course.)
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Please, please, laugh! We've run out of other ways to
entertain you!
BRECHT
Hell, I'm even singing a song that the real Brecht didn't
write!
Hey Weill, who wrote the lyrics?
MICHAEL CERVERIS
It's a funny story how I began to write that song. See, the
lyrics were written by--
Scene cuts off, almost as if nobody
knows how to properly give background
information in a musical.
SCENE: GERMANY.
We see a scene that shows how difficult
it was as a Jew in Germany back in--
DIRECTOR HAROLD PRINCE
No we don't.
But surely we do.
DIRECTOR HAROLD PRINCE
No.
How else do we paint a picture of why
Brecht moved to America if not to show
the life he was forced to leave be--
DIRECTOR HAROLD PRINCE
No "life was bad in Germany" stuff. I don't want to repeat
what I had already done in Cabaret.
And what was that?
DIRECTOR HAROLD PRINCE
Cohesive storytelling.
SCENE: PARIS.
CHORUS
(sings a happy perky song,
entirely ruining the dark
nature of this musical)
WE'RE IN PARIS!
WE'RE IN PARIS!
THIS IS ANOTHER SONG
KURT WEILL WROTE!
AUDIENCE
(doesn't care)
PLOT
(doesn't move forward)
Donna Murphy and Michael Cerveris are
laying in bed with ANOTHER WOMAN.
DONNA MURPHY
I hope you enjoyed your threesome with me and OTHER WOMAN.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Yes, apparently I've gone from quiet and reserved to the kind
of guy who has threesomes.
OTHER WOMAN suddenly exits scene.
Donna Murphy and Michael Cerveris
ignore this entirely, as if nobody
could figure out how to give a
character an exit line.
DONNA MURPHY
(exposition-ing)
So, since the last scene, you fled Germany and signed all
your money to me and I hitched up with some other man and
signed all our money to him and he ran off with the money and
I'm stuck here with you.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
That sounds interesting! Can we SEE some of that re-enacted
onstage?
DONNA MURPHY
No.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Then join me in New York!
(singing yet another "Broadway"
number in this "dark" musical)
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE ON BROADWAY
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH--
DIRECTOR HAROLD PRINCE
Tapdance! Sell it more!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Oh fuck you.
SCENE: A BOAT SETPIECE THAT SLIDES IN VERY SLOWLY.
We're on a boat. To America.
DONNA MURPHY
(singing)
I WANT TO BE A LADY'S MAID
LADY'S MAID IN AMERICA
IN AMERICA THE STREETS ARE PAVED...
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Kurt Weill didn't write that.
DONNA MURPHY
Well then what SHOULD I sing?
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Check this out.
He pulls out a roulette wheel.
DONNA MURPHY
What's that?
MICHAEL CERVERIS
This is the Kurt Weill song roulette wheel. It's a simple
three step process.
DONNA MURPHY
(examining wheel)
But "I'm a Stranger here Myself" and "My Ship" aren't even on
there!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
(ignoring)
Step number one, spin the wheel.
DONNA MURPHY
(spins wheel)
Oh, this doesn't work... We already did Moon Over Alabama!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Don't sweat it. Step two, have the pointlessly-hired chorus
sing.
CHORUS, BECAUSE IT'S
IMPORTANT TO USE A CHORUS IF
YOU ALREADY HIRED THEM.
OH MOON OF ALABAMA
WE NOW MUST SAY GOODBYE.
DONNA MURPHY
But the song makes no sense--
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Step three!
(pulls out slow-moving moon,
sticks onto slow-moving set)
There we go! Now the song makes sense... BECAUSE THERE'S A
MOON IN THE BACKGROUND!
CHORUS (CONT'D)
WE'VE LOST OUR GOOD OLD MAMA
AND MUST HAVE WHISKEY, YOU KNOW WHY.
The curtain closes.
Then the outer curtain closes.
Then the lights come up
Then the audience's eyes re-open.
SCENE: INTERMISSION, BILTMORE THEATRE BAR.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Bartender! Whisky, please!
BARTENDER
(jovial)
It's funny how when you hear about a beverage, you just kinda
get into the mood to have some, right?
AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Huh?
BARTENDER
They ended the act 1 finale with a lyric about whiskey.
(pause)
Isn't that why you want whiskey?
SCENE: TEN MINUTES LATER.
DRUNK AUDIENCE
(screaming)
I THINK I CAN NOW BEAR THE REST OF THIS PLAY.
OTHER DRUNK PEOPLE IN
AUDIENCE
(sloshed)
IT'S A MUSICAL.
DRUNK AUDIENCE
(plastered)
TELL THAT TO THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE IT!
SCENE: HOBOKEN, FOR SOME GOD AWFUL REASON.
Scenery slides onstage fast at first,
then slowly again.
Enter a milkman, a hooker, a cop and a
longshoreman. Because a Kurt Weill
musical is always the perfect show to
have some weird bizarro-Village People
thing.
COMMUNITY THEATRE-ESQUE
CHORUS
(singing like they're in
"Wonderful Town")
SONG ABOUT AMERICA
SONG ABOUT AMERICA
MIGHT BE WITTY
IF YOU COULD UNDERSTAND THE LYRICS
BY THE WAY
KURT WEILL WROTE THIS!
DONNA MURPHY
Excuse me, poorly-costumed longshoreman who keeps picking up
and putting down various crates so I can conveniently sit on
them, can you tell us where so and so theatre is?
LONGSHOREMAN
You're in Hoboken. You want HARLEM!
BOOKWRITER ALFRED UHRY
AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! Hoboken Harlem Hoboken Harlem Hoboken!
AH HA HA HA HA!
AUDIENCE
Why does Alfed Uhry keep laughing to himself?
SCENE: SLOW-MOVING AMERICAN IMMIGRATION SET.
AMERICAN JUDGE
Donna Murphy, you can't stay in America unless you're
married. Why don't you both get married again!
MICHAEL CERVERIS AND
DONNA MURPHY
O-KAY!
They all sing a song about how happy it
is to get married. It's FUN and PERKY
just like the 1940s were!
GUY WHO TOOK THE DARK
"ARTISTIC" BLACK AND WHITE
PHOTO FOR THE PLAYBILL COVER
Why do I even bother?
DONNA MURPHY
Oh no, the audience is getting restless!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Quick, spin the wheel!
DONNA MURPHY
But what if I end up with a song that wasn't written till
thirty years later again?
MICHAEL CERVERIS
(spins for her)
SURABAYA JOHNNY!
She sings. It's a moment so well
performed, so touching, that you almost
forget that you've wasted $100 and >2
hours of your life.
SCENE: LUNCH.
SEMI-IMPORTANT
MALE CHARACTER
(the most character development
we'll get for him:)
It's good to have lunch with you guys.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Donna, you keep cheating on me over and over, which I'm
unhappy about but have chosen to live with. So while I'm
gone, why don't you screw this guy?
DONNA MURPHY
Because he's gay. Silly!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Wow... Maybe you stopped screwing other people. Maybe you do
love me!
ACTOR IN A
KURT WEILL MUSICAL
(entering)
Thanks for writing such great music!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Thank you for performing it.
DONNA MURPHY
(to ACTOR)
Wanna fuck?
ACTOR AND DONNA MURPHY
(go off to copulate)
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Again I am sad. Also, a doormat.
SCENE: MORE BERTOLT BRECHT.
BRECHT
(singing)
I HAVE ANOTHER SONG
IT'S STAGED LIKE IT SHOULD BE FUNNY
EXCEPT FOR THAT
IT'S NOT!
(pause)
ALSO, KURT WEILL WROTE THIS!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
In this scene I'm not a doormat now.
So I don't want to work with you on a new project, or even
restage Threepenny in America.
BRECHT
You jerk!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
BRECHT, we have a BAD RELATIONSHIP!
BRECHT
Yes KURT WEILL, we have a bad relationship because--
Oh no, the plot started getting
interesting! No matter, let's CUT
to...
SCENE: THE ILLUSION WEDDING SHOW.
...something much less so!
We watch a ten minute number which is
either some Greek Chorus thingy or a
recreation of a Weill show that existed
or maybe...
It doesn't matter. What matters is
that it would stop the plot cold if
there was one.
SEMI-IMPORTANT
MALE CHARACTER
I AM SINGING!
I AM DANCING!
REMEMBER WHEN THIS MUSICAL BEGAN?
IT WAS DARK AND BROODING
NOW IT'S BRIGHT AND CHEERY!
LA DEE DA DEE DA!
KURT WEILL WROTE THIS!
SCENE: WEILL AND LENYA'S HOUSE.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
So the entire time I've been in California, I've been
cheating on you.
DONNA MURPHY
I am angry about this.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
But you cheat on me all the time.
DONNA MURPHY
But I'm a bitch.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
But you're really good as LENYA. Your Surbaya Johnny was
almost worth a Student-Rush or TDF ticket price alone.
DONNA MURPHY
So why don't you sing a song that's worthwhile?
MICHAEL CERVERIS
(sings "It Never Was You")
AUDIENCE
(is reminded the promise of
what this show could have
been)
MICHAEL CERVERIS
(dies)
AUDIENCE
How convenient.
SCENE: SOME NEW YORK THEATRE.
SEMI-IMPORTANT
MALE CHARACTER
Ever since your husband has died, we have decided to have the
first staging of Threepenny Opera on Broadway.
DONNA MURPHY
Wow, what's the story about how that came about?
SEMI-IMPORTANT
MALE CHARACTER
No time. Show's already 55 minutes too long. Just get
onstage as the role that sings PIRATE JENNY in THREEPENNY.
DONNA MURPHY
Okay.
She spends two real-time full minutes
putting on makeup.
The audience is forced to sit watching
Donna Murphy put on makeup for two
minutes of silence.
First eyes.
Then face powder.
Then another face powder.
Then some more eyes.
Then some other eye thing.
More of that.
A pause to reflect.
Some lipstick.
Some fine-tuning of the lipstick.
A bit more eyes.
Then more face powder.
A look into the mirror.
More fixing of the eyes.
She is now done.
You now have a notion of what two of
the final three minutes of the show
are.
In real time.
As
slow
and
boring
as
this
is.
DONNA MURPHY
Time for me to get onstage in THREEPENNY OPERA again.
SEMI-IMPORTANT
MALE CHARACTER
Yes, better get onstage to have a final moment and do a
reprise of PIRATE JENNY!
Music of "Pirate Jenny" underscores.
DONNA MURPHY
I can't do a reprise of Pirate Jenny. I didn't sing it a
first time.
SEMI-IMPORTANT
MALE CHARACTER
Ah, right, so inst--
Musical ends suddenly, as if nobody
could figure out how to end a musical.