NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT: ABRIDGED
OR
NOT SO CRAZY FOR YOU
Scene: new
york city
matthew broderick
I am a rich playboy millionaire who is on my fourth beautiful
wife! I just keep marrying them, stealing their innocence, and divorcing
them when I've grown bored!
chorus girls
You must be very crafty.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
What? No, I'm
Matthew Broderick. I only play characters who seem like they're
never trying to figure anything out. Also, MY MOTHER says I need to get
married again, or else I don't get to take over the family business!
CHORUS GIRLS
Who's your Mother?
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Estelle Parsons!
CHORUS girls
Oooh--
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Don't get too excited, she's only in the last six
minutes. OF ACT TWO. It's a new thing we're trying called "The
Broadway Cameo".
Suddenly Matthew Broderick bumps into Kelli O'Hara.
kelli o'hara
I am Kelli O'Hara dressed like a tomboy. I WILL NEVER
GET MARRIED, she said in case you weren't sure whether this show had a hundred
weddings at the end.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Hi Kelli.
KELLI O'HARA
Matthew, why are your feet fumbling around onstage? You
must be "drunk"!
MATTHEW BRODERICK
No, I'm just Matthew Broderick.
KELLI O'HARA
(muttering to self)
Matthew Morrison, Harry Connick Jr, Paulo Szot... should have quit while I was ahead.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
What?
KELLI O'HARA
Nothing. Just sing that old Gershwin classic, "Nice Work If You Can Get It".
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Sure.
(sings)
LINES DELIVERED FLATLY
TWO BLANK LOOKS IN EACH EYE
NICE WORK IF I CAN GET IT
AND I CAN GET IT IF I TRY.
KELLI O'HARA
I'm pretty sure those aren't the lyrics, Matthew.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
(unprompted, and kind of lecherously)
NOW WE KISS!
Matthew Broderick and Kelli O'Hara kiss.
The Orchestra suddenly sweeps into RHAPSODY IN BLUE, which is a tune Gershwin wrote to cover up when two actors have no chemistry.
KELLI O'HARA
Whoa.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Good kiss?
KELLI O'HARA
No, I was just imagining a 16 year old Kelli O'Hara finding out that she gets to kiss Ferris Bueller when she grows up, and that it ends up being pretty unincredible.
scene:
matthew broderick's beachhouse on long island.
KELLI O'HARA
OK, MICHAEL MCGRATH and TALL BOOTLEGGER, this is Matthew
Broderick's beachhouse he says he's never at.
michael mcgrath
Look how good my Nathan Lane impression is!
tall bootlegger
AND I AM VERY TALL!
KELLI O'HARA
Good for both of you. Let's us 3 store all of our
ILLEGAL PROHIBITION LIQUOR in Matthew Broderick's basement.
Michael mcgrath
Great. And then?
kelli o'hara
Then we just wait around for the rest of the musical.
michael mcgrath
Oh.
kelli o'hara
Yup.
michael mcgrath
No... no forward plot motion in any form at all?
kelli o'hara
Nope.
MICHAEL MCGRATH
Shame.
KELLI O'HARA
Well if you'll excuse me, I have to sing "Someone to Watch
Over Me" with a gun.
michael mcgrath
That's fine, I'll be over in the corner hilariously pretending to be a butler, and also trying to figure out ways to make my part even more Nathan Lane-like.
Enter Jennifer Laura Thompson and Matthew Broderick.
jennifer laura thompson
We are married now, Matthew Broderick!
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Yes, let's kiss!
JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON
We can't--I'm going to not have sex with you. Because
I'm basically Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Oh no I have this telegram and it says that my previous
ex-wife won't sign the divorce papers until Act Two!
JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON
So we just wait for the rest of the act?
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Yup.
JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON
No forward plot motio--
MATTHEW BRODERICK
None whatsoever.
JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON
I'm might as well spend the rest of that time singing and
dancing in a bubble bath.
That HAPPENS.
Matthew Broderick takes a seat and stares out at the audience
like he's forgotten he's ONSTAGE in a BROADWAY SHOW.
chorus girls
What's going on, Matthew?
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Nothin' much.
CHORUS GIRLS
Would it help the plot much if we all suddenly showed up in
your living room for no good reason and danced around?
MATTHEW BRODERICK
No, I think it would just confuse the audience about what
some Manhattan dancer girls are doing in Long Island in the first place.
chrous girls
Oh. Well then.
(they leave)
JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON
Hey Matthew, I'm going to leave for the night because I think
my Dad will help with the fact that you weren't divorced before our marriage.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Help you? How?
JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON
Wait I read this wrong. I think I meant to say that I'm
leaving for the night because of Contrived Plot Reasons.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
That's more like it!
scene: matthew broderick's bedroom.
KELLI O'HARA
Matthew, we're supposed to sing "You Say Tomato I Say
Tomahto" next.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
How on earth are you and I doing to sensibly do that?
I'm married to one or more other women!
KELLI O'HARA
If only we had a bookwriter.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Hold on--This playbill says that we DO have a
bookwriter! JOE!
bookwriter joe diPietro
Hello! Want me to work some of the magic that I did in
the Tony Award Winning Musical MEMPHIS?
KELLI O'HARA
Of course not. Why
would you even say that?
BOOKWRITER JOE DIPIETRO
Okay, here's what I've got: Matthew, you go to sleep.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Technically I've been asleep since the curtain rose!
BOOKWRITER JOE DIPIETRO
And Kelli, you're trying to make sure Matthew Broderick
doesn't notice that the ILLEGAL PROHIBITION LIQUOR is being unloaded from his
basement overnight, or he'll be angry.
KELLI O'HARA
Well yes clearly the best way to make sure he doesn't notice what's happening is to wake him up.
(hides)
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Didn't we spend the entire first scene establishing that I'm an alcoholic and would probably be happy to help--
token black cop
(entering Matthew Broderick's bedroom)
Hi! I'm searching for ILLEGAL PROHIBITION LIQUOR! Matthew Broderick, do you know where I can find said ILLEGAL PROHIBITION LIQUOR?
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Did you just break into my house and bedroom?
TOKEN BLACK COP
No.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Did the Butler actually let you into my bedroom in the middle
of the night?
TOKEN BLACK COP
Nope. Right Butler?
MICHAEL MCGRATH
TOO DEEP? THIS IS NOTHING. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN WE'RE GETTING IN TOO DEEP!
KELLI O'HARA
(coming out of hiding)
Michael you are NOT Nathan Lane!
TOKEN BLACK COP
It's Kelli O'Hara! Matthew, I know for a FACT that
Kelli O'Hara has been caught transporting ILLEGAL PROHIBITION LIQUOR!
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Will pretending that I'm married to her convince you to not
bring her to prison for all the bad stuff she did?
TOKEN BLACK COP
Inexplicably yes!
SCENE:
OUTSIDE OF MATTHEW BRODERICK'S BEACH HOUSE.
TALL BOOTLEGGER
Oh, RANDOM CHORUSGIRL, I have a problem.
random chorusgirl
Is it that you are awkward around women?
TALL BOOTLEGGER
No it's that I, a character that should have been cut in the
first draft, have to carry two separate Gershwin duets!
RANDOM CHORUSGIRL
That's because Bookwriter Joe DiPietro's only tool for breaking out into song is to add MORE characters to the musical.
TALL BOOTLEGGER
From the guy who wrote "I Love You You're Perfect Now Change," a show made up of nothing but new characters every four minutes? WHAT A SHOCKER!
scene:
matthew broderick's living room.
KELLI O'HARA
Matthew, I love you, but I'm angry that you got married to
Jennifer Laura Thompson, so I don't love you anymore.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Don't worry, my marriage to her wasn't legit, so I can marry
you! But I'm angry that you weren't going to be in love with me just
because I was married, so now I don't love you anymore.
KELLI O'HARA
But Matthew, if your marriage to her isn't real, then I love you! But I'm angry at you for not loving me when I didn't love you, so now I don't love you anymore.
matthew broderick and kelli o'hara
(pretending they're capable of doing a dance routine
FAR beyond either of their dancing abilities)
WE DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER ANYMORE!
Jennifer Laura Thompson enters with her Dad.
JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON
Matthew, who is that girl you were getting cuddly on the
couch with?
Kelli O'Hara enters in a maid uniform.
KELLI O'HARA
I'm just the maid.
JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON
Oh then all my concerns are gone!
JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON's dad
And I was concerned that there was something weird going on
in the basement, but everyone started singing and danced and it distracted me
instead! What a clever plot point.
JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON
And good news--Matthew's previous wife has signed the divorce
papers! You know what that means...
MATTHEW BRODERICK AND KELLI O'HARA
YAY! ACT ONE IS FINALLY OVER!
scene:
outside of matthew broderick's beach house.
poor judy kaye
I am Jennifer Laura Thompson's Alcohol-hating Aunt. Who
wants to hear me sing a song about Strauss?
MICHAEL MCGRATH
Seriously? This is a Gershwin jukebox show! Can't SOMEBODY sing "They Can't Take That Away From Me" or "Embraceable You" or, fuck, "Bess You Is My Woman"?
poor JUDY KAYE
You're only saying that because of ILLEGAL PROHIBITION
LIQUOR! Which I HATE!
MICHAEL MCGRATH
Hey have you been paired up with anybody yet?
poor JUDY KAYE
No, why?
MICHAEL MCGRATH
I guess we're together by default then.
poor JUDY KAYE
Pretty random.
MICHAEL MCGRATH
(singing)
JUDY, YOU IS MY WOMAN NOW...
scene: Every
good gershwin musical has a tapdance scene!
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Um, is there a tap scene?
KELLI O'HARA
Nope.
scene: matthew broderick's dining room.
JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON'S DAD
Even though Jennifer and Matthew supposedly had a whole big
giant ceremony the first time they thought they were getting married, we're
going to do it all over again.
poor JUDY KAYE
(swinging on a chandelier)
Aren't rich people ridiculous?!
KELLI O'HARA
I am a maid in this scene instead of, I don't know, hiding
down in the cellar to make sure nobody sees our booze.
And Michael McGrath is still just kind of hanging around as a butler.
MICHAEL MCGRATH
WE GOT THE WRONG PLAY. WE GOT THE WRONG DIRECTOR. WE GOT THE
WRONG ACTORS. WHERE DID WE GO RIGHT?
The cast breaks out into a lot of FAN-SERVICE jokes about how
BAD REPUBLICANS ARE, because THE EASIER THE JOKE the FUNNIER IT IS.
Suddenly enter ESTELLE PARSONS dressed like a VERY MINOR
SPOILER ALERT.
estelle parsons
The musical is almost over, so I decided to show up!
MATTHEW BRODERICK
I was going to ask you to tie everything up in a neat bow, but there's really not much to tie up. I don't want to marry Jennifer Laura Thompson. So I was considering just not doing it. BUT THEN KELLI O'HARA GOT ANGRY AT ME FOR CONSIDERING NOT DOING IT, AND NOW I'M AGAIN NOT CONSIDERING NOT DOING IT ANYMORE!
KELLI O'HARA
NYAH!
ESTELLE PARSONS
Shut up. You can't marry Jennifer Laura Thompson, she's
your sister. Like in A Funny Thing Happened To The Forum. Remember
Forum? Why isn't anybody reviving that again right about now?
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Oooh! Can a revival of Forum star ME?
nathan lane
(storming in upon having heard this)
That's enough, Matthew! Back in your cage.
MICHAEL MCGRATH
That's enough, Math yoo, back in your--
NATHAN LANE
FOR GOD'S SAKE GET YOUR OWN THING!
blackout.
RSS Feed
E-mail me about new scripts!
