THE PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN OTHELLO: ABRIDGED
OR
THE... PHILIP... SEYMOUR... HOFFMAN... OTH...ELL...
...
O...
From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives
By Gil Varod
SCENE: AN 860 SEAT THEATER AT NYU THAT STILL INSISTS UPON
BEING CALLED "OFF-BROADWAY".
RODERIGO
NEVER TELL ME...
I TAKE IT MUCH...
(he pauses for a bit)
UNKINDLY.
THAT THOU...
(he stands up, walks over to
Iago, looks at him, looks at
the audience, then back to
Iago)
IAGO...
(he nods to himself, stopping
between words to do so)
WHO HAST MY PURSE...
Fifteen minutes of pausing pass.
RODERIGO
AS IF THE STRINGS...
(he thinks for a short while)
WERE THINE.
Enter Philip Seymour Hoffman as Iago.
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Hey, anybody mind if I just keep on this green shirt I came
in with today?
Everybody pauses in unison at Philip
Seymour Hoffman.
This must mean they are okay with this
costuming choice.
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Great.
(speaking Shakespearean:)
`SBLOOD, BUT YOU WILL NOT...
(he pauses, but for a much
shorter time than Roderigo)
Hear me..
(as if walking and talking is
too difficult to perform at
the same time):
If ever I did dream of such a matter...
(NOW SHOUTING out of nowhere)
ABBBBBBHHOOOOOOOOR MEEEEEEE.
RODERIGO
Thou...
told'st...
me...
thou...
didst...hold...
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
What the hell are you doing?
RODERIGO
Pausing between words for blank emphasis.
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
In God's name why?
RODERIGO
Because you're doing it. Me and the rest of the cast just
found out who Shakespeare is last night, and we figured we
should do it like you do because you're Philip Seymour
Hoffman.
And when you do it, it doesn't sound *so* bad.
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
If I'm not the only one doing the pausing thing, then my
pausing thing is going to lose all meani--
Wait is *everybody* going to pause in this play?
BLACK OTHELLO
Let... him... do... hisss.... sss... sss.
BLACK CASSIO
The duke.... does... greet... you...
...
...
...
...
gener...
al...
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Holy shit. Thank god we're not doing the full uncut script.
DIRECTOR PETER SELLARS
Maybe we are, actually? Hard to tell. Mostly because I
directed in 90 extra minutes of pausing.
The idea of actors performing Shakespeare doing actions and
acting *on* the line instead of *between* is something I
guess I never heard of.
NOW EVERYBODY REMEMBER, WHEN YOU'RE STANDING STILL, SHIFT
YOUR WEIGHT BACK AND FORTH LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN IN A PLAY
BEFORE!
BLACK OTHELLO
Come, Desdemona, I have but an hour (of endless pausing and)
Of love, of worldly matters and direction,
To spend with thee. So if it please the lady
To join me at this bed composed entir'ly
Of 15" Dell Flat Panel Monitors
Upon which we shall make noble love.
DESDEMONA
O, but I fear
That by "make noble love",
Mine lord means we shall lay upon the screensaver-laiden
Flat Panels
And rub each other's wrists for many minutes
Whilst a spotlight shines upon us at much too many lumens
Being ridiculously bright, yea.
BLACK CASSIO
Woe is me, as ninety minutes have just passed us by
And yet nothing has happened yet.
Perhaps we could'st pretend for a twinkly that there is't a
sense of urgency?
Any sense of urgency?
Seriously guys.
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
But Cassio, thou race and skin tone maketh it clear
That Othello in this production ist not the lone Moor.
By Saint Peter, that must mean we have at least cut the lines
about Othello being the only moor, and how strange and
wondrous it is that a black man gained higher office?
DIRECTOR PETER SELLARS
Nay, we're leaving in every line regardless of whether it
fits with my weird-ass vision.
Speaking of which, who wants to speak Shakespearean dialogues
and monologues on cellphones?
75% OF THE CAST
I do! (As if I had a choice!)
Suddenly, Cassio gets drunk, just like
Shakespeare wrote!
And then, Cassio tries to rape... a
girl who is now saying Bianca and/or
Montano's lines?
Just like Shakespeare definitely did
not write.
BLACK OTHELLO
(to BLACK CASSIO)
I am more disgusted with you than in the original that
Shakespeare wrote, because instead of you drunkenly fighting,
you drunkenly raped a character we made up.
BLACK CASSIO
Wow, what a great idea for a thematic modern change--
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Cassio,
What was he that you followed with your sword?
And by "he", I mean "she".
And by "sword", I can only possibly mean "penis".
BLACK CASSIO
--nevermind then.
Desdemona drops her handkerchief.
EMILIA
I am glad... I have found... this napkin...
For pausing this much...
Makes me drool a bit...
AUDIENCE
Ungh.... UNGH... can we have an intermission yet?
We get to emulate "Lord Of The Rings:
Return of the King" by having 5 false
endings.
Finally everybody gets offstage.
AUDIENCE
OH THANK GOD.
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
We've been acting real hard for two and a half hours, do we have
to do the second half?
A third of the audience leaves.
In real life.
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Guess that answers that question.
BLACKOUT.
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