THE LACK OF PLOT IN THE PIAZZA
A "Light in the Piazza" Broadway Abridged Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: THE VIVIAN BEAUMONT THEATRE
The set is painted in an exquisite and
lively re-creation of the Piazza Della
Republica in Florence, Italy.
SET DESIGNER MICHAEL YEARGAN
I am totally awesome.
THE PLOT
I am totally not.
Enter VICTORIA CLARK, playing the
mother of KELLI O'HARA.
VICTORIA CLARK
Well Kelli, it's great to be here on vacation with you in
Italy where YOUR FATHER AND I HAD TRAVELLED and SOMETHING
HAPPENED.
(smiles)
I will occasionally MENTION THIS over the course of the play
although I have NO INTENTION of ever letting anybody actually
know what happened between your fath--
KELLI O'HARA
(singing silly lyrics to
gorgeous music)
WE'RE ON VACATION!
WE'RE ON VACATION!
VICTORIA CLARK
We have these ridiculous southern accents that we slip out of
every time we sing; I think it's clear to the audience that
we're on vacation.
KELLI O'HARA
Oh. Well I thought the audience would need it clarified.
VICTORIA CLARK
You know what they might want clarified: what age are you?
KELLI O'HARA
Suspension of belief in theatre means that I could be playing
a different age than I am. But the answer to both seems to
be anywhere between 20 and 26. Howcome?
VICTORIA CLARK
Don't worry about it. Let me just ATTACH THIS FISHING LINE
to the top of your hat so that the hat can hover off of your
head!
It DOES.
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
(catching hat, actually
speaking in Italian:)
Yours?
KELLI O'HARA
Yes... It just sort of hovered off of my head!
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
No, it was wind.
KELLI O'HARA
Looked less like WIND and more like CRAP.
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
Oh... um... I have POOR ENGLISH.
KELLI O'HARA
That's okay. Let's just be absurdly ALL ABOUT marrying each
other, being so blatant about it as if to purposely avoid
DRMATIC TENSION!
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
(in english)
Then you shall come visit me in my father's shop.
KELLI O'HARA
Even though you're not learning any words or ANYTHING, your
English is somehow getting BETTER and BETTER!
It IS.
SCENE: THE UFRIZI ART MUSEUM.
An old guy in the cast walks around,
just as background scenery with no
lines.
VICTORIA CLARK
Look. There is art.
KELLI O'HARA
Yes, there is.
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
(enters)
Come visit me in my father's shop.
(leaves)
KELLI O'HARA
See? Your English is getting BETTER and BETTER!
SCENE: ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER'S SHOP.
That old guy in the cast still walks
around, not seeming to do anything.
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
(says something in Italian to
Father)
ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER
(responds back entirely in
Italian)
ITALIAN BOY'S BROTHER
(interjects something in
Italian)
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
(agrees. In Italian.)
AUDIENCE
(doesn't know Italian, feels
alienated)
BOOKWRITER CRAIG LUCAS
...what, nobody PREPARES for the theatre anymore?
SONGWRITER ADAM GUETTEL
Hey Craig, you know what else was cool when I vacationed in
Florence? The Duomo. Can we force a scene there?
SET DESIGNER MICHAEL YEARGAN
If it means I get to do another awesome set to add some more
life into this show, then YES WE CAN!
CONTINUED LACK OF SUBTITLES TO:
SCENE: THE DUOMO.
The old guy still walks around,
arousing false suspicion that he may be
some "mystical character" or "an
important part of the story" or even a
"character with lines".
VICTORIA CLARK
Look. There is duomo stuff.
KELLI O'HARA
Yes, there is.
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
(enters)
Come visit me in my father's shop.
(leaves)
KELLI O'HARA
See? Your English is getting BETTER and BETTER!
...Fricking again!
SCENE: HOUSE OF ITALIAN BOY.
ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER
I'm the Italian Boy's Father, and this is his mother who DOES
NOT SPEAK ENGLISH. And even though they have only known each
other for 3 hours, I am entirely pro his bound-to-end-in
marriage status with Kelli.
VICTORIA CLARK
And even though her wanting to marry a foreign man she's
known for three hours is QUESTIONABLE, I will entirely ignore
this. Instead I will point out that KELLI is a little bit
IMMATURE for marriage, and that's my only objection.
(to audience)
I may or may not have a secret that I will reveal later in
the show. The key words here are MAY OR MAY NOT.
ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER
Well that's good. Let's awkwardly flirt a bit, and THEN
mention that you still have a husband.
ITALIAN BOY'S BROTHER
You forgot to mention ME, your OTHER SON, who you will always
refer to as the "lesser son" until the joke is DRIVEN INTO
THE GROUND.
THE LESSER SON'S WIFE
I'm his wife, and he cheated on me once. Kelli, you should
know: men cheat.
(sings a bitter song about this
for five minutes)
KELLI O'HARA
Oh no, I am sad.
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
Don't be.
KELLI O'HARA
Okay! I am not!
SCENE: HOTEL ROOM.
VICTORIA'S HUSBAND CHARACTER
Victoria? I'm on the other side of the stage, pretending I'm
talking on the phone and using the OVERSEAS DELAY as an
excuse for us stepping on each other's lines.
VICTORIA CLARK
(being a BITTER BITCH)
I just called to say that our marriage isn't working, and to
reiterate that you and I both were ONCE IN FLORENCE.
VICTORIA'S HUSBAND CHARACTER
You spend too much on long distance.
SCENE: THE PIAZZA AT MIDNIGHT.
KELLI O'HARA
I'm supposed to meet the Italian Boy somewhere here; where is
he?
Lots of people (dressed in black)
circle around Kelli, actually trying to
help her from being lost.
KELLI O'HARA
Oh no, they're dressed in black and I'm afraid!
(to audience)
See? This proves how SCREWED UP and EMOTIONAL I AM!
VICTORIA CLARK
(rescuing her)
Actually, to think about it, who the hell WOULDN'T be afraid?
Florence is damn scary at night.
OLD GUY WHO KINDA KEEPS
SHOWING UP IN THE BACKGROUND
What about me? I'm not scary! I'm just obligatorily OLD!
This shows that FLORENCE... uh... has OLD PEOPLE!
SCENE: HOTEL ROOM.
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
Kelli, I have something to tell you. I bet you won't guess
what it is.
AUDIENCE
Gee, I wonder if it's a marriage proposal.
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
Actually no, it's... wait... yeah, that's what it is.
KELLI O'HARA
The answer is yes!
(pause)
Oh right. And the English with the getting better.
Italian Romantic Lead Boy removes his
shirt, and a SOFTCORE PORN COMMENCES.
SCENE: ROME.
A bunch of really, really awful-looking
Nun-costumes cross the stage for no
apparent reason.
VICTORIA CLARK
Kelli, why couldn't you just let your thing with the Italian
Boy be just a tawdry fling, and be like normal American
Girls?
KELLI O'HARA
But we have loved each other deeply, fully and truly since
we've first met!
VICTORIA CLARK
Well because you're too young (and NOT because he's a
foreigner you barely know), you can't marry the Italian boy.
KELLI O'HARA
But mother...
(sings a song)
VICTORIA CLARK
You sang a song? Okay; I changed my mind!
SCENE: HOUSE OF ITALIAN BOY.
EVERYBODY
AYUTAME! AYUTAME!
ITALIAN BOY'S MOTHER
Even though I don't speak English, I have decided to break
the fourth wall and--in a perfect upper class British accent-
explain that "Ayutame" means "help me". How nice of us to
ACTUALLY EXPLAIN SOME OF THE ITALIAN IN THIS PLAY!
The family dances like a Latin dance
video.
KELLI O'HARA
(entering)
I've come back!
ITALIAN BOY'S BROTHER
See? Kelli came back; you should come back to me!
THE LESSER SON'S WIFE
No, I still continue hate you, husband!
She kisses Italian Boy to make her
husband jealous. Kelli O'Hara observes
this and gets angry.
KELLI O'HARA
No, now I am angry!
(acts insanely angry, destroys
things)
See? This proves how SCREWED UP and EMOTIONAL I AM!
VICTORIA CLARK
(rescuing her)
Actually, to think about it, who WOULDN'T respond like that?
Enter the BROADWAY ABRIDGED SPOILER
GUY.
BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILER GUY
Hey...
VICTORIA CLARK
You wouldn't respond like that?
BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILER GUY
Huh? Oh... Sorry, I missed the question. I'm just here
to...
KELLI O'HARA
You're here to tell people to stop reading in case they
haven't seen the play yet and want to not be clued in on the
plot twist?
BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILER GUY
Huh? Oh yeah... I guess that too. I actually mostly showed
up just to let you guys know I'm leaving early tonight. They
obviously get married at the end. Big whoop.
(leaves)
SCENE: THE DUOMO.
ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER
So PLOT TWIST, it turns out that Kelli is 6 years older than
I thought she was?!?
VICTORIA CLARK
Well, she fell off of a horse once and matures slower, so her
being developmentally challenged is why she comes off as
being 20 but is really 26.
KELLI O'HARA
Wait, I come off as being 20?
ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER
(after a poorly-done
suicide joke)
She's too old; the wedding is off!
VICTORIA CLARK
Let's take a walk.
They DO. Nothing happens.
ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER
Taking a silent walk has convinced me to LET THEM MARRY!
SCENE: HOTEL ROOM.
VICTORIA CLARK
They want to get married.
VICTORIA'S HUSBAND CHARACTER
No.
VICTORIA CLARK
Well I say yes. Also, I'm gonna cheat on you.
VICTORIA'S HUSBAND CHARACTER
Why do you even *call* me?
SCENE: THE DUOMO.
KELLI O'HARA
We can't get married! Something feels NOT RIGHT!
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
You're wrong.
KELLI O'HARA
Oh!
(marries)
ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
Told you so.
(marries)
VICTORIA CLARK
See them getting married? It reminds me that...
(singing, again to beautiful
music)
LOVE IS FAKE...
OR LOVE IS REAL...
BUT LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS...
EVEN THOUGH THE LOVE BETWEEN MY HUSBAND AND I IS GONE...
AND THE LOVE BETWEEN THE LESSER SON AND HIS WIFE IS GONE...
AND THE LOVE BETWEEN THE ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER AND HIS WIFE
IS GONE...
(pause)
BUT THE LOVE BETWEEN KELLI O'HARA AND THE ITALIAN BOY IS HERE
TO STAY...
WHICH GOES TO PROVE...
THAT LOVE ONLY WORKS FOR DEVELOPMENTALLY CHALLENGED PEOPLE!
(making out with
Italian Boy's Father:)
LOVE... TO... ME!!!!
AUDIENCE
Wait... What the hell?
BLACKOUT.
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