SMASH ABRIDGED EPISODE 10: THE UNDERSTUDY
or
ALMOST
THE EPISODE WITH UMA THURMAN ^ IN IT
SCENE:
PREVIOUSLY ON SMASH...
KATHARINE MCPHEE
The Director wants to sleep with me but I'm not cheating on
you!
katharine mcphee's boyfriend
This young female New York Times reporter and I have a lot of
scenes together, but they are all justifiably about work and I'm not cheating on
you!
KATHARINE MCPHEE
I'm still not cheating on you!
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
I'm still not cheating on you!
KATHARINE MCPHEE
I already told the director no in episode one!
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
I, like normal people in real life, don't have affairs with
every frickin' person at work just because they're pretty.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
But this isn't real life. This is SMASH.
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
And as a Brit, I wonder if this show's title is thusly named
because it makes more sense if I watch it while I am SMASHed myself.
scene:
rehearsal room
JACK DAVENPORT
Okay, everybody, as we saw from last week's trailer, this is
the episode where Uma Thurman arrives and...
(an assistant whispers something into his ear)
Bullocks. Sorry everyone, apparently we signed her up
for 5 episodes, not six.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
But Megan Hilty and I already made up!
MEGAN HILTY
WE DANCED DRUNK! We're not supposed to be civil to each
other until there's at least a common enemy for--
KATHARINE MCPHEE
THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU TWO. We're going to have to
spend the episode doing filler material. Let's all draw silly markings on
Uma Thurman's face.
MEGAN HILTY
Well now I'm not in rehearsals anymore, so I'm sad. I
should sing a montage song as I strip down to lingerie in front of the set from
Chicago.
That happens.
smash creator and still-showrunner-FOR-THIS-EPISODE
theresa rebeck
Yes I have convinced myself that somewhere among the females and
gay males, there's one person out there who was about to shut their TV off, saw
Megan Hilty's cleavage on more display than usual and said to himself,
"Nevermind, I'll keep watching utter garbage."
MEGAN HILTY
DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY CLEAVAGE THAT WAY.
We see three minutes of gratuitous cleavage shots as the camera spins around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and
MEGAN HILTY
(vomits)
scene:
Katharine mcphee and her boyfriend talk about Jack Davenport
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
You don't like the guy, you never did.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Why should I, he sexually harassed me the first day I met him.
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
What? He what?
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Oh.....
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
Oh? Oh what?
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Oh, as in... uh... LOOK AT THAT PRETTY PRETTY PLOT
CONTRIVANCE!
(runs away)
scene:
anjelica huston's stupid plot of the week
ANJELICA HUSTON
The people I need to invest in my show want me to prove to
them that we're doing rewrites and that our star performer is going to show up!
guy at the bar
Uh... what.... assholes?... I guess...?
ANJELICA HUSTON
If only I had an easy-out solution so that I wouldn't have to answer
to people with reasonable concerns!
GUY AT THE BAR
I slave away at this bar day-in and day-out, but I'm happy to
give you all of my money and refer you to an investor who's stinking rich.
ANJELICA HUSTON
(burning the contracts of investors she may in fact
have to work with someday)
EAT HELL!
GUY AT THE BAR
(to camera)
Uh, see you next week, folks.
scene:
kathArine mcphee's apartment.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
We are sleeping back-to-back!
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
That's how you can tell how ANGRY we are!
katharine mcphee and boyfriend
SSSSSSSOOOOOOO AAANNNNGGGRRRYYYY!
scene: megan
hilty's bedroom that was designed by a five year old girl
GAY SPORTS GUY
Why are you being nice to Katharine McPhee, Megan?
MEGAN HILTY with way more cleavage than normal
I have a plan...
GAY SPORTS GUY
....yes?
MEGAN HILTY with way more cleavage than normal
I'm going to be nice...
...
and that's all I got.
GAY SPORTS GUY
Ah. Bit of a letdown there.
MEGAN HILTY with way more cleavage than normal
Yah. Feels kinda like this is the last episode of this
show, doesn't it? Maybe that renewal notice was an April Fools gag.
SCENE: REHEARSAL ROOM
jack davenport
Where's the guy playing Darryl Francis Zanuck?
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Who the hell is that?
JACK DAVENPORT
Oh sure I *could* explain it, but our new method of maintaining
viewership is to try to get the folks at home to Google for Smash-related
things while they're already half-not-paying-attention-to an episode.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Half watching an episode? NOT ON MY WATCH!
Christian Borle does a song and dance number with dancers
wearing towels over their dance clothes, to suggest that they would be in
towels in the real show.
Except for that they're constantly pulling their towels off,
which confuses whether WAIT SHHHH QUIET.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
(singing)
I AM BETTER THAN EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW
I AM BETTER THAN EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW
TEN TIMES BETTER THAN EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW
MY GOD, GIVE ME A SPIN-OFF!
gay sports guy
Wow. That was great.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Thank you.
GAY SPORTS GUY
No, I mean... Wow. You're on *actual* Broadway, right? I bet if you were in a Broadway show RIGHT NOW, you alone would be worth the price of admission.
peter and the starcatcher's
christian borle
Oh, I don't know what you could possibly ever be talking about.
GAY SPORTS GUY
I want to pat your back as I tell you how those three minutes
(almost) made bearing through these past ten episodes worth it. But I'm
afraid that if I do, the Republican guy you're dating will walk in just as I'm
doing it.
awesome christian borle
Only one way to find out, right?
Gay Sports Guy pats Chr--
gay republican guy
(appears)
AND I WAS SHOWING UP WITH COFFEE FOR YOU, CHRISTIAN!
(disappears)
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Oh phew it's not only me.
GAY SPORTS GUY
How does he even know who I *am*?
scene: a
high school production of "three on a match", written by the team who brought
you many other musicals with titles that suck.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Every single goddamn year, on the anniversary of its original
opening night, Debra Messing and I go see a production of the first musical we
ever wrote.
Naturally, that means that there's never been a production of our musical that
isn't during early April. But I digress: Husband Husband Husband Husband
Husband Husband Husband Husband.
and grace
(runs out of the auditoriam)
CHRISTIAN BORLE
What's the matter with you? These people are nice,
really nice, and your character is an unnecessary cheating fuckwad who cries about everything.
AND GRACE
My husband left me!
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Oh, is that all? I'd assumed you already told me.
Like, between episodes, the moment it happened.
AND GRACE
No, I only tell you when I fuck people I'm not married to.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Did Eric McCormack teach you *nothing* about gay people?
scene:
katharine mcphee's apartment.
A knock on the door.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
I'm answering the door, and I'm wearing revealing clothing,
and I sure hope it's not Jack Davenport--
JACK DAVENPORT
Bullocks.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
JESUS didn't we already do this trope on THIS VERY EPISODE?
JACK DAVENPORT
So I just had a weird dream that you were playing Marilyn
Monroe, and I tried hard to pretend you were very good at the role, but you
were awful, just god-awful, and I'm not a good enough actor to pretend that
hard.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
We can't all be Christian Borle.
JACK DAVENPORT
Well, certainly you can't. Anyway, I'm here to say I'm
sorry for being an Angry Brit.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Why couldn't you just call me?
JACK DAVENPORT
Because what other plot contrivances would we use to have
your boyfriend mistake what is going on, jump to unnecessary conclusions,
and inevitably punch me in the face?
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Punch what in the what?
Suddenly her boyfriend conveniently appears.
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
YYYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!
(punches Jack Davenport in the face)
That felt good. One more, and then I want to punch Ellis and Debra Messing's horrible child actor son!
KATHARINE MCPHEE
STOP! He came over to apologize for having been a
lecher! I was dressed like this so I could seduce *you*! It was all a
simple unlikely misunderstanding.
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
Oh, well that makes perfect sense! I'm sorry, Jack.
JACK DAVENPORT
No hard feelings, I've learned the err of my ways.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Great, we all were able to deal with our problems like adults
and oh right I forgot this is Smash.
jack davenport, katharine mcphee,
and her boyfriend
AAAARRRRGGHHHHH UNNECESSARY RAGE!
Everybody fights some more.
NBC ANNOUNCER
Join us next week, when Uma Thurman reminds you of why you
don't remember her performance in "The Producers" movie!
BLACKOUT.
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I'm going to be nice...
...
and that's all I got. GAY SPORTS GUY:
Ah. Bit of a letdown there.
hahahaha when i was watching the show i was like wtf thats such a stupid plan!