SMASH ABRIDGED EPISODE 11:
THE MOVIE STAR (CAN'T MAKE UP FOR TERRIBLE WRITING)

A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod

scene: previously on smash

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Can Uma Thurman bring some sorely-needed life into this show?

christian borle from the future

No.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Ah, well thanks for the visit!

scene: rehearsal

Uma Thurman does a musical number about Lee Strasberg. 

Really.  Just in case you weren't sure whether Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman gave a shit anymore.

uma thurman

I'm famous and can't sing!  And I think MUSICALS shouldn't have MUSIC!

creative team

HA HA WHAT A BITCH AND SHE CAN'T SING AND SHE'S SO DUMB WHAT GREAT PLOT FODDER!

UMA THURMAN

Wait now it turns out that the song was just not in my key.  And also I actually KNOW that I need to sing better.  But wasn't it great that we could laugh at me?

creative team

Nevermind, you're actually reasonable!

UMA THURMAN

Also I think this script sucks.

creative team

INCREDIBLY reasonable!  And: let's definitely keep drawing attention to how awful this Marilyn Monroe musical is.

UMA THURMAN

So who wants to watch clips of what a Smash writer thinks a "movie" looks like?

scene: katharine mcphee is angry that her boyfriend won't tell her about his failed job promotion because he's mad at her for not telling him that she was sexually harassed this one time.  got that?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

You should come see "Causal Fridays 2: Goin' Biz-Cas" with me.  You loved the first Casual Fridays!

KATHARINE MCPHEE's boyfriend

(looking at a clip of Uma Thurman driving a car)

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not true.

scene: christian borle and black gay sports guy are dating

christian borle

My favorite Stephen Sondheim musical is "The Frogs"!

black gay sports guy

My favorite Andrew Lloyd Webber musical is "Jeeves"!

christian borle

My favorite Stephen Schwartz musical is "The Magic Show"!

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

My favorite Rodgers and Hammerstein musical is "Allegro"!

CHRISTIAN BORLE

My favorite Bock and Harnick musical is "Her First Roman"!

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

My favorite Kander and Ebb musical is "The Rink"!

CHRISTIAN BORLE

My favorite Jerry Herman musical is "The Grand Tour"!

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

Hey, what the fuck game are we playing?

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Most ridiculous Smash line ever.  Now you do Andrew Lippa.

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

WHOA.  That's a bit intense for a first date.  Let's take it slow, maybe go to a Rangers Game, take in a Yankees game, play some pickup in the park, trade Topps cards, attend the U.S. Open, make, uh, lacrosse dioramas... uh...

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Nascar--?

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

Yeah sure something Nascar.

Christian Borle UNFAIRLY JUDGES Black Gay Sports Guy so that there's no longer any characters on this show that you like.

scene: anjelica huston gotsta get paid, son.

anjelica huston

Ellis?  Oh Ellis?  You're in this episode, right?

No answer.

katharine mcphee

(entering)

You should go to his desk and rummage for something embarassing.  I'm actually looking for the Female New York Times reporter right now.  So I'm going to *pretend* that I'm looking for my boyfriend, and I'm sure I'll find her.

ANJELICA HUSTON

Wow, do you think that will really work?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

*Will that work*?  Is there a Firefly reunion happening on Castle RIGHT NOW?

scene: debra messing and Brian D'Arcy James meet with their son's guidance counselor.

guidance counselor

(pointing to FLASHING LIGHTS that say GUIDANCE COUNSELOR because how else would you have figured it out?)

Your son is failing CALCULUS and ADVANCED PLACEMENT HISTORY. 

SHREK WITHOUT MARRIAGE

The... the honors courses that only matter for college credit?  Failing?

GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

Yes, Smash's writers know as much about high school as they do Sports. 

and grace

But our son never gets anything less than a B+!

SHREK WITHOUT MARRIAGE

You think I don't know that?

and grace

No I think the AUDIENCE doesn't know that.

SHREK WITHOUT MARRIAGE

I think the audience doesn't GIVE A SHIT.

GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

Well, because I am the Teenage High School Student Whisperer, I immediately know it must be due to SOMETHING TERRIBLE GOING ON AT HOME.

shrek without marriage

No there's not SOMETHING TERRIBLE GOING ON AT HOME.

and grace

SOMETHING TERRIBLE GOING ON AT HOME is definitely not going on.

GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

Ok, because I had the strangest feeling there was SOMETHING TERRIBLE--

AND GRACE

I can't take it!  Yes, I was unfaithful.  And I slept with another guy.  And I went down on him.  And he took out this weirdly shaped phallic item and we--

GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

STOP.  My god, LOTS OF TERRIBLE THINGS are going on at home.  When do we get to the scene where the court rules that your son gets to go with his father so we don't have to ever see that shitty teen actor ever again?

scene: jack davenport is in love with katharine mcphee, but then thinks megan hilty is better as marilyn, but then is in love with katharine mcphee, but then is mean to katharine mcphee, but then is nice to katharine mcphee!

JACK DAVENPORT

(hallucinating)

I took a bunch of Ivy's EVIL DRUGS!  Nothing else could explain an Amy Winehouse number as sung by Marilyn Monroe, because otherwise, WTF?

a wax figure of katharine mcphee dressed in a marilyn monroe wig

I'm taking over the part for Katharine McPhee in the rest of this episode!  The hope is that once we switch back to the real "actress" next week, you'll be momentarily excited at how she has just slightly more life than I do!

JACK DAVENPORT

Good luck, because so far I can hardly tell!

scene: megan hilty and katharine mcphee finally have a common enemy so they can momentarily be friends.

megan hilty

So they fired me for fainting, during a BROADWAY SHOW!  Then they forgave me, because nobody faints ON PURPOSE during a Broadway Show.  Then they hate me, because I fainted during a BROADWAY SHOW!  Anyway I'm back in this shitty Marilyn musical now.

wax figure of katharine mcphee

...

MEGAN HILTY

OMG SO LIFELIKE!

scene: debra messing and brian d'arcy james still have a son.

that horrible kid who can't act

If I get a B+, do I get to meet Uma Thurman?

AND GRACE

HAHAHAHAH.

THAT HORRIBLE KID WHO CAN'T ACT

That doesn't sound like a Yes.

AND GRACE

Oh no, it's just that when you switch that line with a Real Actresses's name like you just did, it sounds hilarious.  HAHAHAHHA--

THAT HORRIBLE KID WHO CAN'T ACT

Hurgh Hurgh Hurgh Hurgh man I can't even act laughing.

poor nbc announcer

Join us next week, where we'll have another stupid number where a chorus comments on some minute detail about Marilyn Monroe's life, and then Marilyn sings about how great her life is.  
Just like the musical number in Episodes 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, and 10. 
And then stick with us through next season as we do it over again and again and again and again...

blackout.