SMASH ABRIDGED EPISODE 12:
THE TEST TO FIND OUT WHAT PERCENTAGE OF
NBC'S AUDIENCE HAS EVEN *HEARD* OF BOLLYWOOD

A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod

scene: previously on smash

ellis

(popping up)

Peekaboo!

(hiding)

Where did I go?

(popping up)

Peekaboo!

(hiding again)

Can you find me?

(popping up)

Peekaboo!  You found me!

AUDIENCE

We're not babies.

ELLIS

Then stop watching a show with the emotional complexity of one.

scene: rehearsal room

katharine mcphee

Hey, I got your call.

jack davenport

Thanks for coming into rehearsal a full 90 seconds before everybody else, just as I asked you to. 

JACK DAVENPORT

I wanted to let you know that you would make a wonderful Marilyn. 

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Glad we settled that for the audience.  Now I'm sure they'll never question it again!

JACK DAVENPORT

And that's all I called you here for, I guess.  Hmm, didn't think that through, did I.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Hey, did you know that understudies work with stage managers and not the director?

JACK DAVENPORT

What, are we now just spouting various true facts about Broadway as a big "I'm sorry" to the theatre community who would like this show to be semi-realistic?

Enter Uma Thurman.

UMA THURMAN

If I needlessly demanded a song be rewritten into a scene, would that cause some enjoyable drama?....
No?...
Allright nevermind.

scene: anjelica huston's office.

christian borle

(to JACK)

You're a director!  Why don't you--what's that word--DIRECT?

JACK DAVENPORT

(to CHRISTIAN)

You're a composer!  Why don't you--what's that word--COMPOSE?

and grace

(to ANJELICA)

You're a producer!  Why don't you--what's that word--PRODUCE?

anjelica huston

(to AND GRACE)

You're a writer!  Why don't you--what's that word--WRITE?

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Dammit, now we can't submit THIS episode to the Emmy nomination team EITHER!

UMA THURMAN

(entering)

If I needlessly demanded kale smoothies, would that cause some enjoyable drama?....
No?...
Allright nevermind.

SCENE: some nightclub

uma thurman

I'm so glad you could hang out with me, Katharine.  I hear you're an amazing multi-talented performer.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Where on earth could you *possibly* have heard that?

UMA THURMAN

People talk.  They say you're brilliant.  Over and over.  As a precautionary measure, in case your singing alone doesn't win them over entirely.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

OH MY GOD COOPER IS PLAYING TONIGHT!  THEY ARE FANTASTIC AND I LOVE THEM!  Clearly if I love them they MUST be good, me being the arbiter of all things quality.

UMA THURMAN

Want to sing a song with them?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Not a musical theatre song I hope!

UMA THURMAN

Oh no!  I presume you know every single pop song ever off the top of your head without rehearsal.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Then yes!  All divas-in-training are perfectly happy to sing in front of lots of famous people without rehearsal or warmup or worry about how we'll sound without either!

SCENE: KATHARINE MCPHEE'S APARTMENT

KATHARINE MCPHEE

This is a $2,000 jacket!

UMA THURMAN

Good!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

This is a $1100 purse!

UMA THURMAN

Yep!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

This is a $900 sweater!

UMA THURMAN

Keep going!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

And these jeans are $2200!

UMA THURMAN

YOU'RE NOT AN UNDERSTUDY, YOU'RE A STAR!

(leaving)

Now to hawk these on eBay.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

I guess I *am* talented at something!

UMA THURMAN

Oh-- If I needlessly pointed out that all famous people break up with their boyfriends, would that cause some enjoyable drama?....
No?...
Well then what am I even DOING here?

scene: DEBRA MESSING's apartment

CHRISTIAN BORLE

(singing)

MY MOTHER BOUGHT IT SECOND-HAND
FROM A SILENT MOVIE STAR--

Suddenly he gets cut off by Brian D'Arcy James.

SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP

I'm sorry to cut you off--it's a shame too, considering that last week's episode showed us what we were literally missing.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

If only there were some sort of CONTEST someone could enter in order to see me perform live.  For free.

SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP

Yes, quite a shame there is no such GIVEAWAY FOR FREE TICKETS!

AND GRACE

What are you doing here?

shrek without makeup

Our son is missing!

AND GRACE

YAAAAYYY!

Brian D'Arcy James and Debra Messing do a happy dance.

police officer

I'm not gonna lie to you.  Running away is about the most dangerous thing a kid could do in New York.

Brian D'Arcy James and Debra Messing scream and holler in celebration.

Enter their son.

that fucking kid who can't act

hi mom hi dad

SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP

Ugh.  I think I hear mumbling.

THAT KID WHO COULD BE SWAPPED IN WITH some other ACTOR, JUST DO IT SMASH, NOBODY WILL JUDGE YOU FOR IT

(actual dialogue and delivery)

i know you kept saying it wasn't my fault but i felt like i was losing everything and i didn't know why.  i am.  we are.  i don't know what anything is anymore.

Score breaks out into dramatic music in a vain attempt to cover for that fucker's horrible acting.

AND GRACE

(to her son)

So... can you maybe run away again?

scene: indian restaurant

katharine mcphee's boyfriend

Remember when I was horribly angry at the end of last episode?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Yeah?

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

Well now I'm all smiley and perfectly fine.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Does that mean that you're going to go through the arc of becoming angry and bitter *all over again*, as if last week's episode DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN?

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

Shocker, I know.

Enter Uma Thurman.

UMA THURMAN

I just want everybody to know I'm allergic to peanuts.  Got that?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Yup.

UMA THURMAN

EVERYBODY REMEMBER HOW ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS I AM SO YOU AREN'T CONFUSED WHEN I AM FED PEANUTS IN ANOTHER EPISODE OR TWO!  Who am I kidding we'll announce it again then.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

Well don't worry.  South indian curries have a spicy unique flavor, flavored with spices like clove, sinnamon, nutmeg, anise, bay leaves, coriander powder, cumin seeds, ghee, fenugreek...

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Tamarind, ginger, cloves, mustard seeds, lentils, vegetables, Sambar, Rasam, Aviyal, Kaalan, Kichadi, pachadi...

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Injipuli, Koottukari, Thoran, one to four types of Payasam, Boli, Olan--

UMA THURMAN

This is a wonderfully detailed conversation about Indian Food on a show about how Musicals are supposedly made.

Katharine McPhee dreams she's in a Bollywood number.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Where am I?  Also why am I slightly offended?

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

You're in a weird and crazy version of SMASH where, regardless of terrible storylines and thoroughly unlikeable characters, everything is over-the-top and ridiculous enough to make SMASH actually ENTERTAINING for a moment!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Why am I dressed in Indian garb?  I'm white, like, Clorox white.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

The entire writing staff hates you, and from here on out plan to try to find ways to make you go back to the pre-American Idol cesspool that you came from.

Everyone dances and we see montages of the various characters that KATHARINE MCPHEE wouldn't have dreamed about in her hallucination.  

These shots show reminders of the characters' states, in accordance with SMASH's assumption that you have the long-term memory of a GOLDFISH.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

This Bollywood thing is actually not awful!  Maybe next season has HOPE so long as they--

shot of debra messing's son "DANCING":

fucking fire this kid

Herp derp derp derp buh.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Sigh.  Nevermind.

scene: rehearsal

UMA THURMAN

Hey, if I needlessly had that dick assistant steal someone's phone and text Katharine McPhee saying that rehearsal was done today, would that cause some enjoyable--

MEGAN HILTY

Sorry, already did it.

UMA THURMAN

DAMMIT!  Now all I've got left is to sit around and wait for somebody to poison me with peanuts!

JACK DAVENPORT

Everybody settle down.  So in this scene, Uma Thurman-as-Marilyn is dreaming, and in the background a voice in her head is singing about her childhood.

a little girl

(singing)

MY MOTHER BOUGHT IT SECOND HAND
FROM A SILENT MOVIE STAR
IT WAS OUT OF TUNE BUT STILL--

JACK DAVENPORT

Everybody stop.  Turns out that we did such a terrible job casting both Debra Messing's son and his equally-grating friend, that Megan Hilty is going to sing the song instead.

UMA THURMAN

But it's a childhood memory!  It only makes sense with a "voice inside my head" if a child version of Marilyn Monroe sings it--

JACK DAVENPORT

I KNOW!  I KNOW!  BLOODY HELL!  Just sing, Hilty.

MEGAN HILTY

(sings, rocks the number)

I AM NOT KATHARINE MCPHEE!
I AM NOT KATHARINE MCPHEE!
I AM NOT KATHARINE MCPHEE!
THANK GOD FOR THAT!

JACK DAVENPORT

That was excellent.  Now *you* are my true vision of Marilyn.  Everybody got that?  It was Katharine, but now it's Megan again!

UMA THURMAN

Nobody cares who your vision of the Perfect Marilyn is. 
By the by, if I insist on singing a song I can't feasibly sing, would that cause any enjoyable drama at ALL?

JACK DAVENPORT

No, because everybody knows that you're going to be replaced by Katharine McPhee before the season is over.

UMA THURMAN

Even though Megan Hilty is more talen--?

JACK DAVENPORT

EVEN THOUGH MEGAN HILTY IS MORE TALENTED!  CHRIST, WHY DOES EVERYBODY ON THIS SHOW NEED EVERYTHING SPELLED OUT FOR THEM!?!

nbc announcer

Join us next week, when every single minute is a Bollywood number!  Ha ha!  But seriously, if I say that, will you tune in?

blackout.