A STEADY RAIN ABRIDGED
                                         OR
              FINALLY WE CAN ATTRACT THE "YES I'D PAY A C-NOTE TO WATCH
               HUGH JACKMAN AND DANIEL CRAIG READ THE PHONEBOOK" CROWD
                     From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives
                                                            By Gil Varod
                                      





            SCENE: TWO CHAIRS IN FRONT OF A BLACK BACKDROP, WHICH IS
            ROUGHLY WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT TO AFFORD WHEN YOU'VE PAID
            WOLVERINE AND JAMES BOND-SIZED SALARIES


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            I'm Hugh Jackman in a Chicago accent.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            And I'm Daniel Craig in a Chicago accent.


                                   PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE WHO LIKE
                                   TO MAKE THAT "WOOO!" SOUND
            I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HUGH JACKMAN AND DANIEL CRAIG GET ONSTAGE!


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            But we're already onstage.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
                          (saying moustache spelled the
                           British way)
            If you imagine me without a moustache, will that help you--


                                   PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE WHO LIKE
                                   TO MAKE THAT "WOOO!" SOUND
            WHEN THEY DO I'LL CLAP SO HARD!


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            Um. So, I'm a cop.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            And I'm a cop.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            And we're going to both narrate our story, going back and
            forth--


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            --usually without acting it out--


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            --so that you can hear the meshing of both of our accounts of
            the course of events.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            Which will BARELY clash or contradict each other, the way two
            people's depositions do.  Because even though we are
            different people with separate morals and viewpoints, we will
            see and interpret every event EXACTLY THE SAME.  Like in a
            one-man show!


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            Except we're not one man.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            We're two.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            We're best friends.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            I have unspoken feelings for your wife.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            I AM A FAMILY MAN.  A FAMILY MAN. ME.  I HAVE A WIFE. AND
            KIDS. WHICH MAKE A FAMILY. AND I AM THE MAN OF THE
            AFOREMENTIONED FAMILY.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            ...


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            ANYONE WHO MESSES WITH THE FAMILY MAN GETS
            VVVVEEEENNNGGGAAANCE!


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            We get it, Hollywood's Hugh Jackman.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            I have to insist on being a FAMILY MAN a lot, Hollywood's 
            Daniel Craig.  Because my wife is not portrayed by an onstage 
            actress.  So I won't be acting out any scenes with her.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            Or with me.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            Or with him.  I'll just tell all of you what happened in each
            scene, and you can imagine how good I--


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            or I--


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            would have acted in it, if it had been a movie instead.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            A picturefilm!


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            Like how hard I'd act when I sleep with a prostitute, or kill
            someone who doesn't deserve to die, or skim money off the top
            of something particularly unsavory, or make enemies with
            someone who doesn't respect the FAMILY in FAMILY MAN.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            Or when I mention rain a lot. RAIN!


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            Or LOGIC!


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            RAAAIIIINNN!


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            LOOOOGGGIIICCC!


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG   
                                   & HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            RAAAAIIIIIINNNN ANNNDDDD LLLOOOGGGIIICCCC AAAAAANNNDDDD
            RRRRAAAAIIINNNN ANNNDDDD LLLOOOOGGGGIIIICCC AAAANNNDDD
            RRRAAAIIINNNN...


                                   This continues for a short while.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            Ah, I love Tell Don't Show.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            Hey Hollywood's Daniel Craig, is there a gun in this play?


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            You mean is there a gun prop? Or is a gun casually mentioned
            via direct-to-the-audience storytelling?


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            The first one.


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            Then no.  Unless you think this chair looks like a gun?


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            Well what will that mean if one or both of us are supposed to
            die via gunshot 90 minutes in?


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            Why, we'd have to come out of our Chicago Accents in order to
            auction off our undershirts for Broadway Cares Equity Fights
            Aids!


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
            For real?


                                   HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
            I shit you not.


                                   PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE WHO LIKE
                                   TO MAKE THAT "WOOO!" SOUND
            Woooooooo!


                                        BLACKOUT.