SUPERIOR DO[UGH]NUTS ABRIDGED
OR
THE ABC [THIRTY YEARS] AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL
From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives
By Gil Varod
SCENE: A DO[UGH]NUT SHOP THAT REMINDS YOU OF THE MOST
DISGUSTING TWIN DONUT YOU'VE EVER SET FOOT IN, AND YET STILL
MAKES YOU WANT TO BUY ONE DURING INTERMISSION, THE BASTARDS.
POLICEWOMAN
We don't know who smashed the window of this do[ugh]nut shop.
Do you, Hilarious Foreign Guy?
HILARIOUS FOREIGN GUY
SIDE CHARACTER
No, I am too much with the Busy for the Living of American
Dream.
EVERYBODY
American Dream!
POLICEMAN
I'm black, but I dress in Star Trek clothing as my
character's gag.
VERY TALL BLONDE RUSSIAN GUY
I am here solely because I look like the bad guy from Rocky
IV, and to be the butt of dated jokes about the fact that I
look like the bad guy from Rocky IV.
RANDOM DRUNK WOMAN
I'm also some sort of side character.
Enter a man who's pretty fantastic at
DRAMA for a person you likely know as
THAT GUY FROM THAT IMPROV DOCUMENTARY.
MICHAEL MCKEAN
I run this do[ugh]nut shop. And I am entirely unconcerned
with who broke in.
POLICEWOMAN
Why, because you're endlessly PASSIVE?
MICHAEL MCKEAN
That, and I read the rest of the play and it turns out that
it doesn't matter.
What concerns me more is that Starbucks and Best Buy are
RUINING THE HUMAN FABRIC OF OUR SOCIETY.
POLICEWOMAN
Well said, Guy Who Is Too Afraid To Ask Me On A Date Until He
Learns Something Important About *Himself* In Act Two.
HILARIOUS FOREIGN GUY
SIDE CHARACTER
Yeah, corporations are in the suck!
MICHAEL MCKEAN
This is an important notion, and a very NEW concept in
dramatic American works. Just like a T.V. Sitcom
Wisecracking Black Guy!
Enter the aforementioned.
JON MICHAEL HILL
Yo McK--can I call you McK?--I'm here fer that help want'd
sign ya got up on the window, and in return I'm gonna offer
you some chillin' one-liners. Also FORESHADOWING I've
compulsively gambled myself into major debt.
MICHAEL MCKEAN
Why should I hire you?
JON MICHAEL HILL
Because only a black kid with a heart of warmth can thaw
an emotionally frozen white man.
Possible I remind you of yourself somehow?
MICHAEL MCKEAN
But the audience doesn't know that. They know barely
anything about me.
If only there was a technique that playwrights could resort
to when they can't figure out how to dramatize exposition!
JON MICHAEL HILL
You could address them directly with monologues that fill
them in on your past.
MICHAEL MCKEAN
What?!?!? But my character's way too self-reserved
to--
Weird spotlight on Michael McKean.
MICHAEL MCKEAN
Oh.
Um... let's see, what do you *need* to know...
My Dad was a Prisoner of War, and I got drafted into Vietnam
but ran away to Canada, and my father always resented me for
it and--
Huh? What did you *do*?
Well, I just lived my life, and got married, and I've been
divorced, and my ex-wife died too so I'm *definitely* as
lonely as possible--
What? What is it like? Is that what you asked me?
AUDIENCE
...We didn't ask you anything.
MICHAEL MCKEAN
I thought I'm taking questions from the audience.
Or being interviewed by... somebody? Anybody?
JON MICHAEL HILL
Never mind, these honkey spotlight monologues be trippin!
(holding up 7000-page
handwritten book)
This is my Great American Novel I wrote, WHICH I HAVE THE
MISFORTUNE TO ONLY HAVE ONLY ONE COPY OF.
(winks)
Read it, McK.
Michael McKean reads a book the size of
an encyclopedia in one night.
MICHAEL MCKEAN
This is essentially the best book ever written in the history
of the universe. Despite the fact that the book, this OBJECT
in my hand, is so heavy, so WEIGHTED.
JON MICHAEL HILL
Underneath my wiseguy exterior, I've got a wisdom well beyon'
my years. Would be a major shame if two guys came in here to
do terrible things to me and my book, WHICH I HAVE THE
MISFORTUNE TO ONLY HAVE ONLY ONE COPY OF.
VERY TOUGH GUY WHO
CONVENIENTLY HAS AN ULCER
I'm here, and I conveniently have an ulcer.
MICHAEL MCKEAN
Good, because I am 59 years old and I'm going to FIGHT YOU.
VERY TOUGH GUY WHO
CONVENIENTLY HAS AN ULCER
But stage combat relies on SPEED for the illusion to work!
If we moved as slowly as you and I inevitably will, it will
be obvious to the audience that we are not hitting each other
at all!
MICHAEL MCKEAN
SOOOOOOOOO BBEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIT!
The fight is long.
And sweaty.
And bloody, which is accomplished by
the actors pulling out little plastic
blood containers. Which isn't unique
or anything, but sometimes it's fun to
see how the stage magic is performed!
Like when Penn and Teller ruin a trick
for you for life.
Oh look Michael McKean won somehow?
CONVENIENCE
Works for me.
DANNY TANNER
(as the slow and sullen version
of the Superior Do[ugh]nuts
Theme Song plays)
Now, John Michael Hill, what did you learn about Gambling?
JON MICHAEL HILL
Oh Dad, I'll never gamble again. Gambling is for losers!
MICHELLE TANNER
Peeeeee-yooooo!
MICHAEL MCKEAN
And I'll never be a cipher character ever again!
Now, who wants a free do[ugh]nut?
EVERYBODY
Yaaaaaay!
KIMMY GIBBLER
Well I don't want a bear claw. Imagine those poor bears
without hands!
JON MICHAEL HILL
Or without two fingers!
EVERYBODY
Ah ha ha ha!
Stay tuned for a sneak peek at next
week's episode, where Hilarious Foreign
Guy's niece comes from Foreign Country
and mistakenly thinks she and John
Michael Hill are married. Phew!
BLACKOUT.
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